Why "Near Sanity's Edge" as a blog title!

When I started this blog several years ago, I thought long & hard about what I wanted to name it.  When you live a life with chronic health issues, it often feels like you are going crazy.  In fact, I had one doctor tell me all my symptoms were in my head & not real!

I spent many years not having a diagnosis. Then after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I would have new symptoms pop up. Each time, I'd have a doctor so sure I had something that all the tests ruled out. One doctor was sure I had thyroid issues. All the tests were normal. Another one swore I had MS, but my MRIs & spinal tap were normal.  It's enough to drive the sanest person to the edge of sanity!

So, I now had a blog name! Near Sanity's Edge is the place I know quite well! Hopefully, my writing about my living here will help someone else not to fall over the edge when dealing with chronic health issues.

Unpredictability of chronic illness

Life with chronic illnesses is so unpredictable that it's predictable. One minute you feel fine, the next you are down for the count.

Sometimes you know you overdid, missed a med dose or ate food you shouldn't have. Other times, there is no rhyme or reason to it.

Sometimes you can push through, other times it pushes you right to bed.

Sometimes you can handle it all with a smile & grace. Other times, you are barely making it through. Tears can be a constant companion those days.

And every person with chronic illnesses is different. Their symptoms are different even if they have the same diagnosis. The way they handle it varies widely. What works for you or your friend/neighbor/family member, may not work for me.

Some of us are new to chronic illnesses. Some of us have dealt with it all our lives. Some of us just have one illness. Others of us have many illnesses.

Sometimes we reach out for help. Other times we withdraw. Many of us suffer in silence. Sometimes because we are tired of talking about our issues. Sometimes because we know others are tired of hearing about our issues. A lot of times we remain quiet because our issues are not life threatening & not as urgent as the issues of those who are facing cancer or death.

Sometimes we are grateful that things are not worse. Other times we are angry that a normal life has been taken from us. Sometimes we are sad that we can't do things with our friends & family. Sometimes we feel guilty that we can't do things with or for our families. Other times we feel like a complete burden to our loved ones.

Sometimes we can't see past our pain & the present. Other times we can see the big picture & see our place in God's plan.

Sometimes our symptoms are our biggest issue. Other times the fear of future symptoms is our biggest issue.

Sometimes we are certain we can get & feel better. Other times we are certain things are getting worse & we will never feel better.

The one thing we can always depend on is God! He is our strength through it all. He is our help when the doctors fail us. He is our comfort when no one else can or will comfort us. Even if we have to face our illnesses for this lifetime, we know that it is not for eternity! When Jesus died & rose again for us, we were given eternal life if we accept that He is our Lord & Savior. When Jesus takes us to Heaven, He is giving us a new body with no pain, no sickness! That gives us hope! With hope in Jesus, we can get through whatever our chronic illnesses throw at us, even if it's very very hard!

In the Darkness

I keep thinking this will be the day that I wake up without the darkness invading my mind. I know you can't see it, but it's there.

Why? Because we live in a fallen world with broken bodies. Why me? I don't know. My body is broken. Fibromyalgia robs my body of serotonin. Then Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) robs me of norepinephrine, dopamine & even more serotonin. I've started on meds to help replenish those vital brain chemicals, but it takes time.

The "feelings" caused by the lack of those chemicals are in stark contrast to reality. Loneliness, sadness, despair... It's a constant battle to not give in, to not just go with those feelings or to just stop feeling... to withdraw from everyone & everything... To curl up in a ball and cry... Or to yell & scream at everyone around me... Or to keep myself so busy that I can't think...

On top of these feelings comes the guilt, fear, shame... "You are so blessed, why are you down?" "Just snap out of it!" "Depression is a sin" "Christians don't take anti-depressants" "anti-depressants will hurt you, use herbs/oils/prayer instead" "you're hurting everyone around you" "they'll all think you're crazy if you let them know you're depressed" "pretend everything's okay" .........voices that echo through my head from myself, others & the Internet.

It will ALL drive you to Sanity's Edge!!!

So I fight...

....I told my Hubby I'm struggling. Admitting it is a big step!

....I went to my doctor who is overseeing my meds.

....I journal when I can. Or in this case, blog.

....I get out in the sunshine when I can.

....I talk with those I know who have been/or are going through depression. It's a big help to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

....I'm trying to speak up about my struggle. Bringing it into the light helps loosen its grip. It also may help someone else who is struggling.

....I have a few people praying for me as sometimes I can't pray myself other than "Help me God!"

....I'm trying to eliminate as much stress as I can, which is pretty hard.

 

Some days I win the fight... Some days I lose it... Most days I'm barely hanging on but fighting for every inch...

...fighting to get out of bed instead of sleeping all day. ...fighting to smile instead of cry. ...fighting to concentrate on what others are saying instead of what my mind is saying. ...fighting to be outgoing instead of hiding. ...fighting to listen to reality instead of the "voices" of guilt & shame. ...fighting to let things roll off my back instead of taking everything to heart. ...fighting to beat this depression instead of slipping over sanity's edge.

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Has it really been 10 months?!

Wow! So much to update you on...

The last year has been rough. In December, I reached my highest weight ever despite barely eating. I was barely eating because nothing would set with me. I was having all sorts of digestive issues & pain. After several tests, it was determined that my gallbladder was not working.

In May, I had my gallbladder removed. Since then, I'm down around 60 pounds. I'm also able to eat more things & have less digestive issues.

I'm still dealing with my fibromyalgia and Raynauld's. Numbness & tingling comes & goes as well as circulation issues (blue fingers, toes & lips). Sinus issues have been ongoing since spring. And hot flashes & other menopausal symptoms have become a constant presence.

Despite all of that, I feel healthier than I have in awhile. I'm pushing through the symptoms & striving to move more, eat healthier & enjoy life. I'm focusing on God & what He has planned for me. I'm trying to remember to focus on Him & not my pain & symptoms.

Stress of life has also been a big factor. Family & friends with major health issues, deaths of family/friends, watching others go through some tough life situations plus major expenses (surgery, van repairs, etc.) have led to lots of stress. My heart has been burdened & my night-waking hours filled with prayers. All this plus some possible major changes upcoming have made this an interesting season of life.

This has been a very rambling post... If you've stuck through to the end, thank you! Will post more later....

 

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Savella Update

So, tomorrow I will be 4 weeks on Savella. I'm totally up in the air about it. Stomach issues are the biggest down side to it. It's not been a magic cure all. I'm still achy. I seem to not have as much fatigue. I feel like I'm just waiting, with breath held, to see if it works. I thought I was losing weight, but now I'm not so sure. Still having the weird face numbness. Still struggling with emotions.

Guess I need to just wait & see...

Will the upset stomach ease? Will the weight start moving off? Will my pain levels ease up? Will fatigue continue to ease up?

In the meantime, I soldier on...

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Frustrations & fears

Today is the day I start my new medication, Savella. I'm nervous about taking it even though I feel this is the right step for now. I'm nervous because I never know how my body will react. Lyrica didn't help & caused me to gain weight. Other meds have caused weight gain or mood swings. Some work for a few months then stop working. My doctor has high hopes for this med so I'm ready to try it. He even thinks it will help with all the weird symptoms I'm having.

Speaking of weird symptoms, I'm feeling so frustrated over them. When listing symptoms for my doctors, I get a long list of possible diagnosis. But when they run the tests (MRIs, blood work, etc) for those diagnosis, everything comes back normal! I mean, I'm glad the tests are normal as some of these diseases are nasty, horrible things. But it's so frustrating to have symptoms with no cause except "I guess it's just your fibromyalgia!"

My other frustration is my weight. For some reason, my body is determined to hold on to this weight. I've tried every eating plan imaginable (for 6 months or more each). I've eliminated carbonation & artificial sweeteners. I've done the low calorie thing, the Paleo thing, the whole foods thing, no gluten, no dairy, etc... It does NOT work. I still feel horrible & I still weigh more than I should. I try to walk but then end up down for 2-3 days in pain. It's so hard to be this way! I'm a doer. I like to help & do. But I can't! Ugh!!

I know God has a plan! I know God has a reason for me going through this. I sometimes wish I had a peek into God's plan. But I don't. I just have to trust in His plan. I just have to keep living life & seeking Him. I also need to keep my eyes on Him & not myself. When I do start getting fearful & frustrated, I know it's because I'm focusing on the wrong things!

I sat down to write this blog post because I was getting overwhelmed, sad & mad after reading Facebook. So many people are doing this plan or that plan for eating/exercise and having great results. I'm happy for them. I love seeing my friends get healthy. But I get sad for me. I get sad for my Hubby & kids then I get mad. But then I realize that God has us in this particular life! He knows the beginning & the end! He knows my frustrations. He knows our trials. He WILL use this for good! Who knows, maybe This is a training ground for my kids. Maybe one of the will be a doctor or a nurse or therapist... I do know they are learning compassion for those who have an invisible illness.

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Some questions

Living with a chronic health issues yourself or having children/spouse/parents who have a chronic health issue is by definition a life long ordeal. Some days you have good days & some days are pretty bad. Some days you feel like you have a handle on everything. You feel like "I got this! Life is good!" The next day you can be so overwhelmed that you wonder how you will survive the next few minutes.

These chronic health issues can include (but not limited to): fibromyalgia, hemophilia, severe food allergies, multiple sclerosis, sarcoidosis, chronic fatigue, celiac, rheumatoid arthritis & autism. The way these affect life varies greatly. I'm working on a project & would love as many people as I can get to answer a few questions listed below. You can get me the answers several ways. You can comment below, email me at joyfulmomlea @ iCloud.com or message me on Facebook if we are friends.

Thank you for your time & energy! Also, share this with others who deal with chronic health issues! Here goes:

1. Do you or a family member have chronic health issues?

2. If you feel comfortable doing so, could you share your issues?

3. What is your biggest challenge?

4. Do you have support or do you feel alone in your daily struggles?

5. Where do you find the most support?

6. Where do you find the least support?

7. What is one thing you wish you could tell others about life with chronic health issues?

8. What is the most helpful thing someone has said or done for you or your family?

9. What is the most unhelpful thing someone has said or done?

10. Do you have any other comments, suggestions, thoughts you'd like to share on these topics?

Thank you so much for your time & effort!

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Sometimes we overdo!

The balance between pushing ourselves & overdoing is a constant battle when you have fibromyalgia. You have to constantly be thinking "Is this the activity that will push me over the edge?" But sometimes, you have to choose to do an activity that you know will land you in bed. Why? Because you want to be with your family & make memories with your kids.

This past Thursday & Friday, I made that choice. We had the opportunity to visit Washington, DC. If you've ever been to DC, you know that it entails lots of walking!

On Thursday, marked in red, we walked several blocks from Metro to Ford's Theatre & Peterson House. We toured both sites & museums. Then we hopped Metro again to Arlington National Cemetery. We walked all over the cemetery (lots of hills). Then we walked from Cemetery across Memorial Bridge to Lincoln Memorial through several monuments & to Metro on National Mall. We figure we walked a good 5-6 miles.

On Friday we walked less outside, but more inside the National Archives & Smithsonian National Museum of American History, marked in blue. I was exhausted by this point & had to sit a lot! I missed out on seeing a lot of the exhibits with my Hubby & kids.

By Friday night, I was exhausted! It took several days to get back to normal. I try really hard to push myself to walk & keep moving. But sometimes I wonder if it would be better to have a wheelchair, at least for those times I know we are doing a lot of walking, like sightseeing & conferences. Where is that line? Where do you push through & where do you admit you need a wheelchair in order to keep active?

 

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Just fibromyalgia & carpal tunnel

I had my appointment with the neurologist yesterday. My tests came back good except for my right hand. It showed extreme carpal tunnel with weakness in my thumb. It's bad enough that I see the hand surgeon on Monday. I'm praying no surgery for now, but we will see.

For now, my neurologist feels all my other symptoms are related to my fibromyalgia. So, now I have to learn to deal with all these symptoms. I have a script to get a walker for my really bad days. I'm also getting a handicap placard for those days my fatigue is really bad.

Im struggling a lot. My symptoms are scary & annoying. But it's just more of the same thing I've had all my life. There's no cure. There's no real treatment. Different things work for different people. Lately I'm overwhelmed by everything. Do I go traditional meds? Acupuncture? Chiropractic? Herbal? All natural foods? Gluten free? Low fat, high fiber? Low carb? High protein? High fat? Lots of exercise? Little to no exercise? Stretching? Physical therapy? Massage? Do I push hard? Or do I rest? On top of all this, how do I take care of my family? How do I cook & clean? What if I continue getting worse? What if the weakness continues? What if the tremors get worse?

How do I balance working toward getting better with preparing for the worst? How do I research treatments without getting overwhelmed by it all? How do I explain to the kids the unpredictability of fibromyalgia? How do I explain that I might get better but I might get worse or I may go up & down?

At least I know that whatever the future holds, God is in control. None of this takes Him by surprise! I have to lean on Him to carry me through each & every obstacle! All this pain & scary symptoms makes me long for Heaven a little more! So I press on! I will walk through this step by step. I may never know the correct answers to all my above questions. I'm so thankful my Savior is my comforter & friend. I can vent my feelings to Him. No matter how scared & overwhelmed all this makes me, I'm thankful for it! Without it, I would not have as close a relationship with God. I would not be the person I am today. I still have tough days. I still cry. But I have hope! Hope that one day I will have no more pain! Thanks to Jesus dying for my sins & rising again! He is my living Savior & Lord! May He use my life to bring Him glory and help someone else through tough times!

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I'm gonna be alright!

I've been struggling a lot! Anytime you don't know what is wrong with your body, you struggle. It's always a roller-coaster of emotions.

I went to my regular doctor who confessed to me that he has no idea what is going on with me. He said we will wait to see what the MRI shows & then go from there. It was refreshing to have my doctor admit I have him stumped.

Last week, one of our elders at church preached about giving thanks & praise to God! This week, one of our missionaries, Dave Weston, preached on prayer! We need to become prayer warriors! We need to become impudent people who are so impassioned for Christ that we become people of prayer! Through these 2 sermons, God has laid it on my heart that I need to use this "down" time more effectively. I need to pray more for all those around me.

I was also blessed today after church by 3 wonderful, lovely ladies who came over to me & prayed over me! I didn't feel any different physically, but wow! My mood was lifted & a feeling of peace washed over me! I felt God whispering to me "You're gonna be alright!" I knew at that moment that no matter what the diagnosis, I would be alright! None of this is a surprise to God. My prayer is that whatever the diagnosis, whatever I have to go through, whatever obstacles I have to face, God will carry me through & He will be glorified through me! I pray it will be obvious that I could not get through this current health challenge without God's strength & God's Grace!

 

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Struggling!

Let me start with the more positive stuff. I had my neurologist appointment that my Hubby set up for me after all my bloodwork came back mostly normal. I know nothing new yet, but I'm scheduled for a brain MRI & cervical spine MRI at the end of the month. Hopefully in 2 weeks I'll start getting some answers.

Now to my struggles. I have to say that I'm doing fairly good coping with the physical symptoms of numbness, tingling, pins & needles and burning. The weakness, on the other hand, is causing me some struggles.

Walking slow because I feel unsteady is the worst. I've always been able to walk through my symptoms. Now I'm struggling to walk across a room without something to hang onto. When I do have something to hang onto, I wear out very, very quickly.

From the outside, I look okay. I have put on some more weight (which is part of my struggling), but I don't look sick. It's the hidden things that make it hard. I get overstimulated easily which makes a roomful of people hard, or even just my kids all talking at once. My brain works slower than normal. A simple thing like taking sermon notes becomes almost impossible because my hand can't keep up with my brain which can't keep up with what I'm hearing. I'm finding my spelling skills have deteriorated. My vision is blurry a lot of the time & I sometimes feel off-center.

I'm only 42 (almost 43), but I feel like I'm 80! I hate that my kids are worried about me. I hate that my kids have to fix their own meals many days. I hate that I'm at my highest weight ever (even higher than my full term pregnancy weight)! I hate that i feel ugly because of this & because all my clothes feel tight & small! I hate that my Hubby has to worry so much about me. I hate that my Hubby has to carry much of the load around here when he's home from traveling. I hate that my parents have to come up & help me when I should be helping them! I hate that I don't know how to let my friends help me even though lots of them have offered. I hate that we (my family) can't do a lot of things because I don't feel up to it. I especially hate that I don't know yet what I'm fighting so I don't know HOW to fight it!

So for now, I have a good cry then just try to get through each day until I have answers. I try not to give in, not to play the what-if game, and not to dwell on myself too much! I'm so blessed & have so many who love me. I KNOW God is in control & there is a reason why I am here & going through this. But even though I know this, I still waver. I still put my eyes on myself & my problems. I still struggle! So pray for me! And let me know how I can pray for you.

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Fear

By [the help of] God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. What can man, who is flesh, do to me? (Psalm 56:4 AMP)

THE Lord is my Light and my Salvation--whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1 AMP)

Fear! It's the one thing we all struggle with, some of us more than others!

When I was little, I feared people. I was shy. Then I feared the reaction/responses of people. So I became a people pleaser! At age 7, after a stint in hospital, I feared relapsing & never walking again. As I got older, I feared public speaking so much that I threw a science test so that my GPA would slip enough to put me in 3rd place in my class. I did NOT want to make a speech at graduation!

I lived with fear for almost 3/4 of my life so far. Then God got my attention! At age 27, I was bedridden & in excruciating pain. The doctors couldn't figure it out & couldn't take the pain away. In the middle of the long dark nights, I had to face my fears! I might never walk. I would most definitely disappoint & let people down.

Many times, God brought me to the verses that said "Fear Not!" TV preachers taught on fear. Books I read talked about fear. As I got better, I continued to hear, read & study about fear.

I had to come to a point where I had to choose...am I going to live in fear or am I going to trust God to protect me & provide all my needs??

I decided to trust! What a freeing decision! It didn't come easy. I had some moments of fear & times I had to remind myself to let go & leave the detail to God.

It is amazing what God has done for me & through me. By letting go of my fear, I am able to live in the moment. God has given me freedom from seeking the approval of others. If I'm living the way God wants me to, then I don't need to worry what others think. Comparison is the ultimate fear-inducer & a sign that I'm thinking too much about myself.

I'm amazed every time I am able to talk in front of a group without trembling in fear. I'm amazed every time I can call someone & actually talk to them. I'm amazed every time I can leave my house to travel & not be in constant fear something will happen why we are gone. I'm amazed that I can listen to the news & not completely freak out. I'm amazed that I can take life one day at a time & really enjoy it.

We have an awesome God! I'm totally amazed at how much He loves me. The freedom He gives is life changing! He died on a cross for my sins! I'm an imperfect, selfish, sinful person. I deserve death & punishment. But Jesus came & gave His live for me. He WAS perfect, blameless & yet He took MY sins! But His death was not the end. He defeated death! He rose again! Why? Because He loves me. Because He loves you! Just pray & tell Jesus you want Him to be Lord of your life, forgive your sins & free you from death!

Then ask Him to free you from fear! Be prepared to be amazed at the changes He makes in your life & the freedom He gives you!!

 

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My week at camp

We serve an awesome God who is able to do more through us than we can even imagine! He can enable us to do things we really wondered if we would be able to do. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13

It all started May 6th when Justin Williams sent out an email to parents stating we needed more chaperones for the youth SpringHill work trip. For 6 days, I wrestled with God over this. After all, I have fibromyalgia & have been dealing with a flare-up of nervous system symptoms. Some days I can barely walk & spend lots of time on the couch. How could I work at camp & do all that walking? How could I sleep in a cabin & be able to move the next day? Plus, I didn't know very many of these teens. These were all legitimate concerns, but it came down to one question. Would I trust God to work out all the details, obey Him & go to camp? So on May 12th I told Justin I would go!

On Sunday, June 2nd, we loaded my van & several cars & headed to camp. I was dealing with hormone issues as well as a headache & numbness. But our God is awesome! He gave me an calm attitude & I was able to just go & do!

Monday was our first work day. I led a kitchen team. We worked from after breakfast until after supper with just a few breaks. Unfortunately, I OVERDID! I know, not a big surprise. I tried to work too much & not just supervise. By the end of the day, I didn't know whether I would make it through the rest of the week. Our youth group leaders, Justin & Debby, saw how I was feeling & got after me. They told me to slow down. They also took the after supper responsibilities from me so I could rest!

After that, I slowed down! I took more breaks, let the youth do most of the work & really started enjoying the week. I'm amazed at how much the kids wanted to serve. When I stepped back, they stepped up & filled in all the gaps. My crew did better when I let them own the job & I just supervised!

I still hurt every night. I had to take muscle relaxers every evening. But my attitude was in check & I actually enjoyed the teens. God just gave me a peace about it all. He gave me the strength I needed. I came away from the week renewed in my spirit, in awe of my Creator & with a new view of teenagers.

Our youth group

So don't let your health limitations hold you back from doing something God calls you to do! He is faithful & He will provide!

 

 

 

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God is Faithful

As I've been struggling a lot with my health recently, God has been reminding me more & more of His Faithfulness! The following video has become a new favorite of mine. It's called "Never Once" & it's by Matt Redman.

Many times, we walk through trials that overwhelm us. Yet when we stop looking at our trials & look up, we see that God has been there all along! He never promised us an easy life. But He did promise that He would walk with us through each & every trial.

I've been through many trials, especially in regards to my health. I can testify that Jesus has been faithful! He walked with me through the darkest nights. Because I've seen His faithfulness to me, I know He will carry me through whatever the future holds!

Come to Him! Cling to Him! He is faithful & will see you through each & every trial! It may not be the outcome you want, but He will be with you every step of the way. God is Faithful!!!

 

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FMS vs MS vs my symptoms

I have a friend who was recently diagnosed with MS. We've both been fascinated with how alike our symptoms are. So I decided to compile a list of symptoms for both diseases. It's very interesting. Below are the results complete with my symptoms too. I don't have all these symptoms at the same time. Some of them come & go.

 

 

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Sidelined by a flare-up

Life with fibromyalgia has its ups & downs. But you tend to find a new normal. You ache & weather changes make it a little worse. But every once in awhile, you have a full blown flare-up. I liken it to the tornado Fujita scale. Most time I operate at an F1 with an occasional F2 & F3. An F5 is when I'm completely bedridden & hurting so bad I'm almost sick. Right now I'm experiencing an F4! Not good!

I think this flare is a combinations of stress, overdoing & weather changes. I should have seen it coming, but I always think I'm doing good. I just think it's a little flare & I push through it. This time I was wrong.

Wednesday afternoon, my pain levels went crazy. Muscle pain & joint pain. Muscle tightness too. Body & mind fatigue. Weird numbness throughout my body. Usually it's 1 or 2 of these at a time, not all of them! I know this will pass. It always does. But while you are in the middle of it, it's so hard.

Fortunately my Hubby is taking good care of me while I'm sidelined by this flare-up. And I know lots of people are praying for me.

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Update

Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been on my anti-depressant for over a month now. It has been a big improvement in my moods, but it made me so tired all the time. I saw my doctor on Monday. He cut my dosage in half. If I stay stable on this & my tiredness disappears, then great. If not, my doctor has promised to work with me until we find a med that doesn't cause me side-effects. Have I told you that I love my doctor??

On top of all this, I got sick after Christmas. It was just a stuffy nose until New Year's Day. I really think I got worse because I was so worn out from Christmas, cleaning house, company & NYE party. I often forget that overdoing causes my immune system to be out of whack, more than normal.

So now I'm on antibiotic for a sinus infection. Getting better has been a very slow process. Definitely slower than I want. Hubby is actually home this month. I want to be feeling better so we can do things as a family & I can enjoy him being home.

So that is my update. Some days are a struggle. Some days are better. But through it all, I know that my God will carry me through each day. He is so faithful! Even when I feel horrible, I know God is taking care of me. Sickness, depression, pain.... They are all the result of living in a fallen world, a world marred by sin! It's not the way God created it. And one day, He will come back & make it all whole again! This world will be perfect! I will be perfected in Him! No more pain, no more depression, and no more sickness!

It's the hope of His return, that makes this all bearable! I know I am God's & He is my Lord & Savior! One day I will be healed! This life on earth is just temporary! This knowledge is my joy! My God is the King of Kings & Lord of Lords! It is for Him that I live! No matter how bad I feel, I will praise Him! Through good & bad, sickness & health, I will praise & worship God! Why? Because He is worthy of praise! He is God!

I will praise you, O Lord , among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. (Psalms 108:3, 4 NIV84)

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Gratefulness!

I've been reading Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book "Choosing Gratitude". In it, she states that we need to have gratitude in all things, even bad things.

I truly can say that I am thankful for all my health issues. No, I don't like them. I don't like pain. I don't like numbness & restless legs. I don't like sleepless nights. BUT I am thankful for them.

Through the pain, agony & tears, I have seen my God provide my every need. He has been my comfort on sleepless nights. He has been faithful to never leave me alone. Even when He didn't ease the pain, God gave me peace of mind to rest in Him.

One of the greatest gifts that God has given me through this painful journey has been the privilege of sharing with others what an Awesome God I serve! My Creator made me. He loves me & died for me, a nobody. I don't deserve to be saved, yet He did save me. He walks with me throughout this life.

Though I walk through difficult times that I don't understand, I know that God is there. I know He has a reason for this all. I know that even though I don't know why, He does & it's all for good. And I wouldn't trade all this for the world!

Without the sleepless nights, I wouldn't have the pleasure of praying for my family & friends at night. Without the pain, I wouldn't be able to sympathize with those who hurt. If my life was not just like it is, pain & all, I wouldn't be at the place in my life where I could give thanks to God for this all & in this all!

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It's all in the ATTITUDE!

I've had several people as me lately how I'm doing. I answer "I'm doing better." it's not because I feel better physically. It's because I'm coping better. My attitude is better!

I have a few updates. My skin biopsies came back ok. I also went to neurologist & he says I don't have MS. He says all the fatigue & facial numbness & vision blurriness is just a bad fibromyalgia flare-up. So now I just have to live with the new symptoms & learn to cope.

So even though nothing has changed and I have no new diagnosis, I'm doing better. I'm resolved to pushing through this & trying to get healthier. I'm finding my attitude about all these health issues will either carry me through or break me. So it's all in the Attitude!

Another twist to my life

So, my rheumatologist sent me to the dermatologist because of my facial rash. Come to find out, it's a condition called urticaria. It's basically hives caused by physical stimuli such as sunlight, heat/cold, pressure or exercise. It is treated by taking antihistamines to block the histamine reaction. So something easy to deal with.

The twist comes because I had to have 3 spots, 2 on back & 1 on hand, biopsied. I was not expecting this but very happy my doctor is being so proactive. I had to have stitches in each spot. It affected me more than I thought it would. I've been having some pain & tenderness. I've also been having some moments of fear of the "what ifs". I know God is in control. Whatever the outcome of the biopsies, I know God will carry me through it. But I still have those moments of fear sneak up on me.

I will have the results on Thursday at 8am. So just 84 hours! Then I'll know the extent of this twist...