In the Darkness

I keep thinking this will be the day that I wake up without the darkness invading my mind. I know you can't see it, but it's there.

Why? Because we live in a fallen world with broken bodies. Why me? I don't know. My body is broken. Fibromyalgia robs my body of serotonin. Then Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) robs me of norepinephrine, dopamine & even more serotonin. I've started on meds to help replenish those vital brain chemicals, but it takes time.

The "feelings" caused by the lack of those chemicals are in stark contrast to reality. Loneliness, sadness, despair... It's a constant battle to not give in, to not just go with those feelings or to just stop feeling... to withdraw from everyone & everything... To curl up in a ball and cry... Or to yell & scream at everyone around me... Or to keep myself so busy that I can't think...

On top of these feelings comes the guilt, fear, shame... "You are so blessed, why are you down?" "Just snap out of it!" "Depression is a sin" "Christians don't take anti-depressants" "anti-depressants will hurt you, use herbs/oils/prayer instead" "you're hurting everyone around you" "they'll all think you're crazy if you let them know you're depressed" "pretend everything's okay" .........voices that echo through my head from myself, others & the Internet.

It will ALL drive you to Sanity's Edge!!!

So I fight...

....I told my Hubby I'm struggling. Admitting it is a big step!

....I went to my doctor who is overseeing my meds.

....I journal when I can. Or in this case, blog.

....I get out in the sunshine when I can.

....I talk with those I know who have been/or are going through depression. It's a big help to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

....I'm trying to speak up about my struggle. Bringing it into the light helps loosen its grip. It also may help someone else who is struggling.

....I have a few people praying for me as sometimes I can't pray myself other than "Help me God!"

....I'm trying to eliminate as much stress as I can, which is pretty hard.

 

Some days I win the fight... Some days I lose it... Most days I'm barely hanging on but fighting for every inch...

...fighting to get out of bed instead of sleeping all day. ...fighting to smile instead of cry. ...fighting to concentrate on what others are saying instead of what my mind is saying. ...fighting to be outgoing instead of hiding. ...fighting to listen to reality instead of the "voices" of guilt & shame. ...fighting to let things roll off my back instead of taking everything to heart. ...fighting to beat this depression instead of slipping over sanity's edge.

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Just fibromyalgia & carpal tunnel

I had my appointment with the neurologist yesterday. My tests came back good except for my right hand. It showed extreme carpal tunnel with weakness in my thumb. It's bad enough that I see the hand surgeon on Monday. I'm praying no surgery for now, but we will see.

For now, my neurologist feels all my other symptoms are related to my fibromyalgia. So, now I have to learn to deal with all these symptoms. I have a script to get a walker for my really bad days. I'm also getting a handicap placard for those days my fatigue is really bad.

Im struggling a lot. My symptoms are scary & annoying. But it's just more of the same thing I've had all my life. There's no cure. There's no real treatment. Different things work for different people. Lately I'm overwhelmed by everything. Do I go traditional meds? Acupuncture? Chiropractic? Herbal? All natural foods? Gluten free? Low fat, high fiber? Low carb? High protein? High fat? Lots of exercise? Little to no exercise? Stretching? Physical therapy? Massage? Do I push hard? Or do I rest? On top of all this, how do I take care of my family? How do I cook & clean? What if I continue getting worse? What if the weakness continues? What if the tremors get worse?

How do I balance working toward getting better with preparing for the worst? How do I research treatments without getting overwhelmed by it all? How do I explain to the kids the unpredictability of fibromyalgia? How do I explain that I might get better but I might get worse or I may go up & down?

At least I know that whatever the future holds, God is in control. None of this takes Him by surprise! I have to lean on Him to carry me through each & every obstacle! All this pain & scary symptoms makes me long for Heaven a little more! So I press on! I will walk through this step by step. I may never know the correct answers to all my above questions. I'm so thankful my Savior is my comforter & friend. I can vent my feelings to Him. No matter how scared & overwhelmed all this makes me, I'm thankful for it! Without it, I would not have as close a relationship with God. I would not be the person I am today. I still have tough days. I still cry. But I have hope! Hope that one day I will have no more pain! Thanks to Jesus dying for my sins & rising again! He is my living Savior & Lord! May He use my life to bring Him glory and help someone else through tough times!

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God is Faithful

As I've been struggling a lot with my health recently, God has been reminding me more & more of His Faithfulness! The following video has become a new favorite of mine. It's called "Never Once" & it's by Matt Redman.

Many times, we walk through trials that overwhelm us. Yet when we stop looking at our trials & look up, we see that God has been there all along! He never promised us an easy life. But He did promise that He would walk with us through each & every trial.

I've been through many trials, especially in regards to my health. I can testify that Jesus has been faithful! He walked with me through the darkest nights. Because I've seen His faithfulness to me, I know He will carry me through whatever the future holds!

Come to Him! Cling to Him! He is faithful & will see you through each & every trial! It may not be the outcome you want, but He will be with you every step of the way. God is Faithful!!!

 

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Still waiting...

Still no answers as to what is going on with me. My spinal tap came back normal, but I have no idea what that means. I have a nerve conduction test tomorrow. It is the last of the testing that has been ordered. Will it provide answers?

Will my doctors figure out why my muscles feel cold & numb and then the next second have sharp electric shock type pains followed by burning? Will they figure out why one moment I'm walking fine & the next I feel like my legs are lead? Will they figure out why I'm so tired? Will they figure out why I have numbness & tingling throughout my body including my face?

So many questions & so few answers...

I wish I could tell you I'm "resting in Jesus" & I'm doing great. I could tell you that, but I'd be lying. I have to admit that I'm not handling the wait very well. I know in my heart that God knows my troubles & will carry me through whatever is going on. But I'm finding it hard to patiently wait on His timing! I'm finding it hard to be joyful in all things! I'm finding it hard not to lash out at my kids & Hubby! Ouch, admitting that one hurt. I'm finding it hard not to give in to the pain.

I'm struggling...

But I won't give in! I will keep fighting! I'll keep trusting! I'll keep waiting!

 

Honest talk about pain & struggles!

I'm struggling. I'm struggling a lot. I'm not supposed to. And I'm definitely not supposed to talk about struggling... WHAT????!!

Ever feel like that? Ever feel like that since you are a Christian, you are to live this perfect life where every thing is rosy & you have no problems? For some crazy reason, we Christians think that just because we accept Christ as our Savior, suddenly everything in life is perfect. And if it's not, we feel like we've failed God & everyone around us.

Life isn't perfect. Jesus even told us we would have troubles. John 16:33 says "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Jesus said we will have trouble. He didn't say come to me & all trouble will disappear. He said come to me so I can give you peace when you have trouble.

Why do we have troubles, pains, imperfections, etc? I truly believe a lot of it is because we live in a world ravaged by sin. Sin destroyed God's perfect creation. This world is flawed. Because of this, we will have storms, natural disasters, imperfect people, sickness & strife. But sometimes we have troubles because God wants to bring us to our knees & have us confess sin in our lives. It could also be that God has allowed Satan to sift us so that God will be glorified. We may never know the why? behind our suffering/struggling.

But we can know the God of the universe, the Creator, the Savior of the world who gives peace! The peace God gives is beyond explanation! In John 14:27, Jesus says " Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

This peace is not the absence of troubles or suffering. This peace is a calmness of soul, spirit & mind. It's a gentle inward assurance that even though things look bad, real bad, God is still in control and He will carry me through this.

How do I know this is true? Because I've experienced it first hand, time and time again. My story is not unique. It is one many people around the world experience. Mine is one of a body wracked with physical pain. It may not be your story for each story is unique. But whatever your story, Jesus is Here! He's waiting to give you Peace!

I've had pain since I was a child. I can't remember a time when I didn't hurt. But I've always known God was there to carry me through the pain. My pain has been given many names & progressed in severity over time - growing pains, cystic arthritis, fibromyalgia & now maybe something more severe & damaging. I go through a period of struggle each time it gets worse and I wait for a new diagnosis.

I wonder "why me?" I cry out in fear for strength. I question God. Yes, I said "I question God!" He's big enough to handle my questions. I don't blame God, but I do ask why me? Why now? Sometimes the only answer I get is "Trust ME!" and somehow it's enough.

As I look back, I can see how this life of physical pain has drawn me closer to Jesus! When doctors & loved ones can give you NO relief, Jesus is the One who can! It may only be Peace of mind & strength to endure the pain or it may be an easing of the pain. But His relief is always what I need!

I can honestly say I would not trade one bit of my life! Yes, it has been painful at times. But without the pain, I might have walked away from My Savior! Without those sleepless nights, I might not have had time to pray for others! Without my experiences with pain, I might not be able to encourage others in pain & assure them that God WILL carry them through. Without my pain, I would not KNOW that God is all I need!