Why do i feel so bad?

This is a question I ask a lot! I'll go a few months feeling pretty good & then hit a period of several months feeling bad.

Currently, fatigue is my constant companion. I'm so tired ALL the time. Add to that pins & needles/numbness and pain in my joints/bones, I'm a mess. So off to the doctor I went. Since the beginning of the year, the wonderful Resident that been working with me has been busy!

First, she did a full blood workup on me. It came back showing Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease & anemia. So, a kidney ultrasound, urine test & more bloodwork followed. I was put on iron & told we will check bloodworm ever six months.

Next, I was sent to sleep doctor & for a sleep study since I hadn't had one since 2011. From that, I received a new c-pap & my pressure was almost doubled (from 9 to 16).

By now it had been 6 months. I was still fatigued, still dealing with pins/needles & pain. I also was not eating a lot as nothing agreed with me.  So back to the doctor. More bloodwork! This time my kidney disease numbers had improved back to stage 2! I was no longer anaemic & my a1c was so good that I'm no longer had prediabetes!

But, now I had hypercalcemia (high calcium levels). So more testing found out my parathyroid levels were low. Even more blood testing to find out that my parathyroid related protein levels (pthrp) were normal. Now we are just watching my calcium levels.

That brings us up to today. I'm still fatigued. I still have pins & needles and numbness (in legs, arms, face, head). Still having pain in joints & bones. I have also been having some tremors & muscle spasms. I had bloodwork today to check my Vitamin B12 levels. I also have a rheumatologist appointment in November (been waiting since like March on that one!).

So, why do I feel so bad? I still don't know. Fibromyalgia is what they tell me when everything else gets ruled out by tests. Not that it matters much the reason. I still have to push through it & keep going. Still have to take it one day at a time. Still have to cling to my Savior Jesus to carry me through when I can't! I keep moving, keep doing, keep praying, and just keep on keeping on until Heaven!

Why "Near Sanity's Edge" as a blog title!

When I started this blog several years ago, I thought long & hard about what I wanted to name it.  When you live a life with chronic health issues, it often feels like you are going crazy.  In fact, I had one doctor tell me all my symptoms were in my head & not real!

I spent many years not having a diagnosis. Then after being diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I would have new symptoms pop up. Each time, I'd have a doctor so sure I had something that all the tests ruled out. One doctor was sure I had thyroid issues. All the tests were normal. Another one swore I had MS, but my MRIs & spinal tap were normal.  It's enough to drive the sanest person to the edge of sanity!

So, I now had a blog name! Near Sanity's Edge is the place I know quite well! Hopefully, my writing about my living here will help someone else not to fall over the edge when dealing with chronic health issues.

Has it really been 10 months?!

Wow! So much to update you on...

The last year has been rough. In December, I reached my highest weight ever despite barely eating. I was barely eating because nothing would set with me. I was having all sorts of digestive issues & pain. After several tests, it was determined that my gallbladder was not working.

In May, I had my gallbladder removed. Since then, I'm down around 60 pounds. I'm also able to eat more things & have less digestive issues.

I'm still dealing with my fibromyalgia and Raynauld's. Numbness & tingling comes & goes as well as circulation issues (blue fingers, toes & lips). Sinus issues have been ongoing since spring. And hot flashes & other menopausal symptoms have become a constant presence.

Despite all of that, I feel healthier than I have in awhile. I'm pushing through the symptoms & striving to move more, eat healthier & enjoy life. I'm focusing on God & what He has planned for me. I'm trying to remember to focus on Him & not my pain & symptoms.

Stress of life has also been a big factor. Family & friends with major health issues, deaths of family/friends, watching others go through some tough life situations plus major expenses (surgery, van repairs, etc.) have led to lots of stress. My heart has been burdened & my night-waking hours filled with prayers. All this plus some possible major changes upcoming have made this an interesting season of life.

This has been a very rambling post... If you've stuck through to the end, thank you! Will post more later....

 

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Savella Update

So, tomorrow I will be 4 weeks on Savella. I'm totally up in the air about it. Stomach issues are the biggest down side to it. It's not been a magic cure all. I'm still achy. I seem to not have as much fatigue. I feel like I'm just waiting, with breath held, to see if it works. I thought I was losing weight, but now I'm not so sure. Still having the weird face numbness. Still struggling with emotions.

Guess I need to just wait & see...

Will the upset stomach ease? Will the weight start moving off? Will my pain levels ease up? Will fatigue continue to ease up?

In the meantime, I soldier on...

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Has it really been over 3 months?!

Wow! Time flies! So much has happened since April. I've started some new treatments that I'm excited about.

A couple friends introduced me to Essential Oils! I'm in love with Young Living's PanAway! Since I started using this, I have not had to take pain pills! It hasn't taken the pain completely away, but helps keep it manageable! I'm looking forward to trying some other oils once I get a little extra money.

I also got up the nerve to start chiropractic treatment. As I suspected, my spine was very misaligned! I've been 5 times & I'm a believer! After my 2nd visit, I walked out with NO pain in my neck. Now, I was really sore by bedtime & had to ice my neck. As my chiropractor, Dr. Kevin Storm, works on getting my spine in alignment, I am feeling better & better! He is also working on my tight neck & back muscles. Tight muscles have been a big complaint of mine. Between treatments & the exercises he has given me, I'm feeling more relaxed.

But, that is not all that's new! Dr. storm is also doing accupuncture on me! I've had 2 sessions so far. After the first one, I was a little sore & was very tired. After the second, I walked out pain-free (for about 12 hrs or so) & had lots of energy! I was able to weed my garden & still had energy to spare.

I now find myself looking forward to my treatment days. Each time I leave feeling a little better & the effects tend to last a little longer each time!

I know these new treatments will not cure my fibromyalgia. But I do feel certain they will make it more manageable & will give me more good days than bad! I am just praising God for opening my eyes to these alternative treatments! I was so resistant to them. They have been an answer to prayer! I'm excited to see the progress I make toward getting healthy! I now have hope that I can increase my activity level, which will lead to some weight loss!

So keep checking back for updates!

 

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Fighting

I'm not sure why this flare-up has been so hard on me. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because I've gained even more weight. Maybe it's just because I've had 3 different doctors convinced it was 3 different diagnosis & lab work proved them wrong. Maybe it's the wasted time & money. Maybe it's the overwhelming fatigue. Maybe it's all the well-meaning "advice" on how to get better. Maybe it's hormones on top of everything.

No matter the reason, it has been hard. Part of me feels guilty because I am struggling so much. So many others have it so much worse. Losing loved ones, fighting cancer, losing limbs, fighting illnesses that destroy your body, being told "there's nothing more we can do", etc...

So today I'm fighting:

• The fatigue that threatens to drive me back to bed
• The guilt for struggling so much over this
• The uncertainty of when the next severe symptom will hit
• The fear of what the next new symptom will be
• The urge to give in & not fight
• The tears that seem so close to the surface all the time
• The frustration at having to watch my kids react to my health issues
• The depression that threatens to close in
• The isolation that calls me to retreat & avoid people/places
• The anger over having to deal with this that boils to the surface & threatens to erupt

Why do I not give in? Why do I fight? Because I have hope! I know there is more to life than this. This life of pain/suffering/brokenness is not forever! It is only for a brief moment!

Over 2,000 years ago, a little baby was born in a stable in Bethlehem. But He wasn't just a baby, He was God! He became man so that He could experience every trial, anxiety, fear & suffering that we face. He became man so that He could take MY sins on Himself and suffer and die for me as a sacrifice! As MY sacrifice! Then He rose from the dead! He defeated death!! Because He defeated death, I have life! I need not fear death! Because He is my Savior & Lord, I have eternal life! Once this life is over, I get to spend eternity praising & worshiping my God & Savior! Not only that, but in eternity there will be no more fighting! No more pain! No more anxiety! No more fear! No more anger! No more frustration! I will be whole!

Until then, I will fight the good fight!

12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called and have confessed the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. (I Timothy 4:12)

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Just fibromyalgia & carpal tunnel

I had my appointment with the neurologist yesterday. My tests came back good except for my right hand. It showed extreme carpal tunnel with weakness in my thumb. It's bad enough that I see the hand surgeon on Monday. I'm praying no surgery for now, but we will see.

For now, my neurologist feels all my other symptoms are related to my fibromyalgia. So, now I have to learn to deal with all these symptoms. I have a script to get a walker for my really bad days. I'm also getting a handicap placard for those days my fatigue is really bad.

Im struggling a lot. My symptoms are scary & annoying. But it's just more of the same thing I've had all my life. There's no cure. There's no real treatment. Different things work for different people. Lately I'm overwhelmed by everything. Do I go traditional meds? Acupuncture? Chiropractic? Herbal? All natural foods? Gluten free? Low fat, high fiber? Low carb? High protein? High fat? Lots of exercise? Little to no exercise? Stretching? Physical therapy? Massage? Do I push hard? Or do I rest? On top of all this, how do I take care of my family? How do I cook & clean? What if I continue getting worse? What if the weakness continues? What if the tremors get worse?

How do I balance working toward getting better with preparing for the worst? How do I research treatments without getting overwhelmed by it all? How do I explain to the kids the unpredictability of fibromyalgia? How do I explain that I might get better but I might get worse or I may go up & down?

At least I know that whatever the future holds, God is in control. None of this takes Him by surprise! I have to lean on Him to carry me through each & every obstacle! All this pain & scary symptoms makes me long for Heaven a little more! So I press on! I will walk through this step by step. I may never know the correct answers to all my above questions. I'm so thankful my Savior is my comforter & friend. I can vent my feelings to Him. No matter how scared & overwhelmed all this makes me, I'm thankful for it! Without it, I would not have as close a relationship with God. I would not be the person I am today. I still have tough days. I still cry. But I have hope! Hope that one day I will have no more pain! Thanks to Jesus dying for my sins & rising again! He is my living Savior & Lord! May He use my life to bring Him glory and help someone else through tough times!

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Not just fibromyalgia!

3 insignificant words yet together they mean the world to me!

 

Since my diagnosis of fibromyalgia over 15 years ago, it seems doctors want to blame everything on it. It's like fibromyalgia becomes anything & everything to these doctors. I don't fit the normal expected patient on anything. None of the fibromyalgia meds work on me. I have weird symptoms. I get weird tests results.

 

I've had doctors that were convinced I had thyroid issues after examination & then tests all come back normal so it's just my fibromyalgia. My doctors were convinced I had MS 1 1/2 years ago but because MRI & spinal tap were clear, it's just my fibromyalgia. I'm at a point of wanting to give up on doctors...

 

Then yesterday I had a doctor's appointment with my primary doctor. For almost 2 weeks, I have had constant body-wide tingling, numbness & other nerve symptoms. I've also felt weak, like I could fall. I was so nervous about my appointment & was convinced I was going to get the "it's just fibromyalgia" line.

 

We talked about my numbness & weakness. He was concerned about my blood pressure being low so he adjusted my meds. Then he tested my strength. I really thought I felt weak because my legs/feet were numb but I couldn't even push his hands up with my legs! And he was easily able to push my arms down.

 

Then my doctor said those 3 words - "Not just fibromyalgia!" He is really concerned about the weakness. He's hoping it's something simple like a vitamin deficiency or anemia or thyroid. But he's going to keep looking till we figure it out. I go back in 3 weeks.

 

I don't want to have actual weakness. I don't want to have something else wrong with me, but I'm relieved to know that I was right! It is more than just fibromyalgia! Once we figure it out, then I can work on a plan for dealing with it! It's always easier when you have a diagnosis. The not knowing can drive you crazy as you go through all the "what ifs!"

 

So for now, I take it easy. I need to stay aware of the weakness, just go with the numbness & keep a positive outlook. I need to be thankful for what I can do! God will carry me through & give me the strength to deal with whatever diagnosis comes my way!

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Fear

By [the help of] God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. What can man, who is flesh, do to me? (Psalm 56:4 AMP)

THE Lord is my Light and my Salvation--whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1 AMP)

Fear! It's the one thing we all struggle with, some of us more than others!

When I was little, I feared people. I was shy. Then I feared the reaction/responses of people. So I became a people pleaser! At age 7, after a stint in hospital, I feared relapsing & never walking again. As I got older, I feared public speaking so much that I threw a science test so that my GPA would slip enough to put me in 3rd place in my class. I did NOT want to make a speech at graduation!

I lived with fear for almost 3/4 of my life so far. Then God got my attention! At age 27, I was bedridden & in excruciating pain. The doctors couldn't figure it out & couldn't take the pain away. In the middle of the long dark nights, I had to face my fears! I might never walk. I would most definitely disappoint & let people down.

Many times, God brought me to the verses that said "Fear Not!" TV preachers taught on fear. Books I read talked about fear. As I got better, I continued to hear, read & study about fear.

I had to come to a point where I had to choose...am I going to live in fear or am I going to trust God to protect me & provide all my needs??

I decided to trust! What a freeing decision! It didn't come easy. I had some moments of fear & times I had to remind myself to let go & leave the detail to God.

It is amazing what God has done for me & through me. By letting go of my fear, I am able to live in the moment. God has given me freedom from seeking the approval of others. If I'm living the way God wants me to, then I don't need to worry what others think. Comparison is the ultimate fear-inducer & a sign that I'm thinking too much about myself.

I'm amazed every time I am able to talk in front of a group without trembling in fear. I'm amazed every time I can call someone & actually talk to them. I'm amazed every time I can leave my house to travel & not be in constant fear something will happen why we are gone. I'm amazed that I can listen to the news & not completely freak out. I'm amazed that I can take life one day at a time & really enjoy it.

We have an awesome God! I'm totally amazed at how much He loves me. The freedom He gives is life changing! He died on a cross for my sins! I'm an imperfect, selfish, sinful person. I deserve death & punishment. But Jesus came & gave His live for me. He WAS perfect, blameless & yet He took MY sins! But His death was not the end. He defeated death! He rose again! Why? Because He loves me. Because He loves you! Just pray & tell Jesus you want Him to be Lord of your life, forgive your sins & free you from death!

Then ask Him to free you from fear! Be prepared to be amazed at the changes He makes in your life & the freedom He gives you!!

 

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My week at camp

We serve an awesome God who is able to do more through us than we can even imagine! He can enable us to do things we really wondered if we would be able to do. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13

It all started May 6th when Justin Williams sent out an email to parents stating we needed more chaperones for the youth SpringHill work trip. For 6 days, I wrestled with God over this. After all, I have fibromyalgia & have been dealing with a flare-up of nervous system symptoms. Some days I can barely walk & spend lots of time on the couch. How could I work at camp & do all that walking? How could I sleep in a cabin & be able to move the next day? Plus, I didn't know very many of these teens. These were all legitimate concerns, but it came down to one question. Would I trust God to work out all the details, obey Him & go to camp? So on May 12th I told Justin I would go!

On Sunday, June 2nd, we loaded my van & several cars & headed to camp. I was dealing with hormone issues as well as a headache & numbness. But our God is awesome! He gave me an calm attitude & I was able to just go & do!

Monday was our first work day. I led a kitchen team. We worked from after breakfast until after supper with just a few breaks. Unfortunately, I OVERDID! I know, not a big surprise. I tried to work too much & not just supervise. By the end of the day, I didn't know whether I would make it through the rest of the week. Our youth group leaders, Justin & Debby, saw how I was feeling & got after me. They told me to slow down. They also took the after supper responsibilities from me so I could rest!

After that, I slowed down! I took more breaks, let the youth do most of the work & really started enjoying the week. I'm amazed at how much the kids wanted to serve. When I stepped back, they stepped up & filled in all the gaps. My crew did better when I let them own the job & I just supervised!

I still hurt every night. I had to take muscle relaxers every evening. But my attitude was in check & I actually enjoyed the teens. God just gave me a peace about it all. He gave me the strength I needed. I came away from the week renewed in my spirit, in awe of my Creator & with a new view of teenagers.

Our youth group

So don't let your health limitations hold you back from doing something God calls you to do! He is faithful & He will provide!

 

 

 

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God is Faithful

As I've been struggling a lot with my health recently, God has been reminding me more & more of His Faithfulness! The following video has become a new favorite of mine. It's called "Never Once" & it's by Matt Redman.

Many times, we walk through trials that overwhelm us. Yet when we stop looking at our trials & look up, we see that God has been there all along! He never promised us an easy life. But He did promise that He would walk with us through each & every trial.

I've been through many trials, especially in regards to my health. I can testify that Jesus has been faithful! He walked with me through the darkest nights. Because I've seen His faithfulness to me, I know He will carry me through whatever the future holds!

Come to Him! Cling to Him! He is faithful & will see you through each & every trial! It may not be the outcome you want, but He will be with you every step of the way. God is Faithful!!!

 

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I overdid again!

Seems like this is the most frequent phrase out of my mouth recently. Anything I do ends up being too much!

 

Sorting Legos, too much! Washing dishes, too much! Doing laundry, too much! Cleaning kitchen, too much! So do I sit around & just do nothing? Turns out that even that seems to leave me hurting.

 

So today I decided to push myself & see if mowing puts me out of commission. My son helped some, but I did the majority of our yard myself. I'm pretty achy right now but I'm not sure if it is more than usual. So now we wait and see...

 

If it's no more than usual, then I will continue pushing myself. If it's more than usual, then I know I need to back off & quit trying to do myself in.

 

In other news, I've been reading lots of research & watching videos about research about fibromyalgia. I've said for a long time that I feel like my nervous system has gone haywire. Guess what? Research is showing just that! People with fibromyalgia have a faulty nervous system. We have increased pain receptors (Substance P). It also seems we don't release endorphins like normal people do. We never get that "runner's high" instead we only feel the pain. Also our pain receptors respond to normal stimuli like it's excruciating!

 

Another theory I find interesting is that some people think that fibromyalgia is just a light version of MS. It's estimated that about 1/3 of those with fibromyalgia go on to be diagnosed with MS.

Some of the articles I've been reading:

http://www.anapsid.org/cnd/diagnosis/brainpain.html

http://www.newswise.com/articles/fibromyalgia-and-the-brain-new-clues-reveal-how-pain-and-therapies-are-processed

http://jensupine.blogspot.com/2011/12/psychology-of-pain-fibromyalgia-can-no.html

http://brain.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2013/03/09/brain.awt053.abstruact

http://www.fmnetnews.com/free-articles/article-samples/why-head-to-toe-pain

http://www.fmnetnews.com/free-articles/article-samples/sensory-overload

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtc2JARVpPw?width=640&height=480

http://www.biomedcentral.com/1472-6890/12/25

http://www.foxnews.com/health/2013/02/26/questions-arise-over-new-diagnostic-test-for-fibromyalgia/

http://sacfs.asn.au/news/2013/03/03_10_u_opioid_receptors_impaired_in_fibromyalgia_patients.htm

http://sacfs.asn.au/news/2013/04/04_29_could_mitochondrial_dysfunction_be_a_marker.htm

http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2012-12/bawh-rgn121912.php

 

 

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Balancing Act

I feel like coming through a fibromyalgia flare-up is very much a balancing act. How much can I do without sliding back into a flare-up? If I sort laundry, how much time should I rest on the couch? Can I go to the store or will it put me down for a week? If I do dishes will my back & arms ache all night? How much do I do & how quickly do I start doing this stuff?

So as I look to this weekend, I'm wondering how am I going to balance all that needs to be done against my health. Lots of breaks! And lots of prayers for wisdom to know when to stop & rest! And lots of help from Hubby & my kids.

 

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Sidelined by a flare-up

Life with fibromyalgia has its ups & downs. But you tend to find a new normal. You ache & weather changes make it a little worse. But every once in awhile, you have a full blown flare-up. I liken it to the tornado Fujita scale. Most time I operate at an F1 with an occasional F2 & F3. An F5 is when I'm completely bedridden & hurting so bad I'm almost sick. Right now I'm experiencing an F4! Not good!

I think this flare is a combinations of stress, overdoing & weather changes. I should have seen it coming, but I always think I'm doing good. I just think it's a little flare & I push through it. This time I was wrong.

Wednesday afternoon, my pain levels went crazy. Muscle pain & joint pain. Muscle tightness too. Body & mind fatigue. Weird numbness throughout my body. Usually it's 1 or 2 of these at a time, not all of them! I know this will pass. It always does. But while you are in the middle of it, it's so hard.

Fortunately my Hubby is taking good care of me while I'm sidelined by this flare-up. And I know lots of people are praying for me.

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Meds, side effects & more

So much going on with my health & I haven't felt up to posting.

On Jan 28th, I was switched from Celexa to Wellbutrin because the Celexa was fatiguing me. Since I started on the Wellbutrin, I have had headaches every day. It took me till yesterday to think it was probably a side-effect. So after contacting my doctor, I am stopping the Wellbutrin now & seeing him on Monday morning.

Between hormones, headaches, depression & pain from crazy weather, this has been a rough year so far. I'm usually fairly even keeled & seem to be able to ride the storms of fibromyalgia. But this has been hard. Rather than be constantly negative & posting how bad I feel, I've chosen to just be quiet.

I know God has a reason for me going through all this. But sometimes it's hard to see the big picture. I know that I am very blessed. I know my struggles are are very small compared to a lot of others. So many are facing cancer, MS or worse.

But in the midst of the pain, my outlook becomes cloudy. I have to work harder to keep my mind focused on Christ. Only then can I walk through this life.

 

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Update

Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been on my anti-depressant for over a month now. It has been a big improvement in my moods, but it made me so tired all the time. I saw my doctor on Monday. He cut my dosage in half. If I stay stable on this & my tiredness disappears, then great. If not, my doctor has promised to work with me until we find a med that doesn't cause me side-effects. Have I told you that I love my doctor??

On top of all this, I got sick after Christmas. It was just a stuffy nose until New Year's Day. I really think I got worse because I was so worn out from Christmas, cleaning house, company & NYE party. I often forget that overdoing causes my immune system to be out of whack, more than normal.

So now I'm on antibiotic for a sinus infection. Getting better has been a very slow process. Definitely slower than I want. Hubby is actually home this month. I want to be feeling better so we can do things as a family & I can enjoy him being home.

So that is my update. Some days are a struggle. Some days are better. But through it all, I know that my God will carry me through each day. He is so faithful! Even when I feel horrible, I know God is taking care of me. Sickness, depression, pain.... They are all the result of living in a fallen world, a world marred by sin! It's not the way God created it. And one day, He will come back & make it all whole again! This world will be perfect! I will be perfected in Him! No more pain, no more depression, and no more sickness!

It's the hope of His return, that makes this all bearable! I know I am God's & He is my Lord & Savior! One day I will be healed! This life on earth is just temporary! This knowledge is my joy! My God is the King of Kings & Lord of Lords! It is for Him that I live! No matter how bad I feel, I will praise Him! Through good & bad, sickness & health, I will praise & worship God! Why? Because He is worthy of praise! He is God!

I will praise you, O Lord , among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. (Psalms 108:3, 4 NIV84)

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The big "D" word!

Fall has almost skipped us here in Indiana. We went from 80+ degree days to days in the 30s & 40s. Except for a mild day every once in awhile. What I wasn't ready for was the sudden onslaught of "winter symptoms". You know, the increased aches & the depression. Add to that hormone issues & you get a big mess.

You'd think after a lifetime of this, I would be prepared. I wasn't. And my family, especially Hubby, paid the price. What price is that? A grumpy, sad, tired, sick me. When I'm down, so is my whole family. The worst part is that I can see myself in this rut, but I can't get out.

I'm doing better the past few days. My Hubby prayed over me & my hormones have stabilized. We also had a few gorgeous days with lots of sunshine. I was able to walk some over the weekend. But I can see it's going to be a tough winter.

It may be time to get an anti-depressant. As most of you know, Fibromyalgia suffers already have low serotonin. Add Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to it & my serotonin levels bottom out when the sunlight hours get short.

I truly hate medication, but there are times when I need it. My mind tells me I am being weak, but my heart is telling me that I need to do this for myself & my family. It's hard to admit you are depressed & need meds. People (including myself) judge you for taking anti-depressants & for being depressed.

I know that I am truly blessed. I have everything in the world to be joyful for. I am grateful. But I also know my joy is not based on my circumstances or health. You can be joyful but still be depressed. So I must seek help from my doctor.

Yes, I'm blogging to convince myself what I need to do. And just maybe, my struggle will help someone else in the same situation.

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Painful Praises

Out of nowhere the pain slams me

Once again I'm at its mercy

It hurts to breathe

Darkness beckons

I pause to whisper His name

 

The pain remains but peace floods me

His grace overwhelms me

I can breathe

The darkness flees

All at the mention of His name

 

This scene repeats itself often in my life

I used to beg God to take it

The overwhelming pain

The depression that threatens

The thorn in my flesh so painful

 

But God changed my point of view

I don't see this as a negative

Instead it's a blessing

A chance to praise Him

For He carries me through it all

 

My pain shows me my need of Jesus

I can't survive this life alone

I need His mercy

I need His grace

I need His overwhelming love and care

 

If not for my pain and struggles in life

I'd believe I could do life myself

No need for a Savior

No need for Jesus

Just pushing through life on my own

 

So I humbly pour my praise out to God

And thank Him for my thorns

They show me my need

They show me my hopelessness

They show me how lost I am without Him

 

Rescued by Jesus who suffered for me at Calvary

He died for my sins & yours

He was buried

He rose again

He gave His life so I may be free

 

How can I complain about any pain I face

When my heart is bursting with thanksgiving

Overflowing with gratitude

Humbled and in awe

Of all my Jesus has done for me

 

So I offer my life, my pain, my suffering to Him

A sacrifice of praise lifted

To the Savior of my soul

To the Giver of life

Praise & Honor & Glory forever.

 

 

 

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Gratefulness!

I've been reading Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book "Choosing Gratitude". In it, she states that we need to have gratitude in all things, even bad things.

I truly can say that I am thankful for all my health issues. No, I don't like them. I don't like pain. I don't like numbness & restless legs. I don't like sleepless nights. BUT I am thankful for them.

Through the pain, agony & tears, I have seen my God provide my every need. He has been my comfort on sleepless nights. He has been faithful to never leave me alone. Even when He didn't ease the pain, God gave me peace of mind to rest in Him.

One of the greatest gifts that God has given me through this painful journey has been the privilege of sharing with others what an Awesome God I serve! My Creator made me. He loves me & died for me, a nobody. I don't deserve to be saved, yet He did save me. He walks with me throughout this life.

Though I walk through difficult times that I don't understand, I know that God is there. I know He has a reason for this all. I know that even though I don't know why, He does & it's all for good. And I wouldn't trade all this for the world!

Without the sleepless nights, I wouldn't have the pleasure of praying for my family & friends at night. Without the pain, I wouldn't be able to sympathize with those who hurt. If my life was not just like it is, pain & all, I wouldn't be at the place in my life where I could give thanks to God for this all & in this all!

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Fibromyalgia Setbacks!

Life with fibromyalgia can be so frustrating at times. I'll be doing really good. Walking 4-5 days a week, having low pain levels & losing 15 pounds. Then it all grinds to a halt. My weight loss stalls, daily headaches kick in as well as fatigue & achiness. It's frustrating because it hits out of nowhere.

To top it off, I've been dealing with my heart trying to race. This is something I've not had to deal with for 18 years. In 1994, I had a RFablation to kill a short circuit pathway in my heart (Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome). I've been trying to tell myself that I'm imagining it, but it's not working. Looks like I'll be heading to doctor again soon.

Sometimes it feels like my body hates me. I think my body parts get together to see how they can throw me for a loop today! Hey, let me pop a fever for no reason. Hey, how about a headache, we haven't had one of those for awhile. Hey, how about a pain here or there for no apparent reason.

It sure makes it harder to get healthy. I mean, it's hard for anyone to get healthy, but when you have fibromyalgia, your body fights it. You can't push your body really hard or it breaks. And then sometimes it breaks when you are not doing anything. Now I have to fight mentally. I can't let a setback by my body undermine all the good I've done so far. I have to convince myself that just because my body isn't showing the results of my discipline doesn't mean what I'm doing is worthless. I have to convince myself to keep going, to keep eating healthy & to keep walking. I have to convince my mind that this is not hopeless, it's just a small setback. I have to fight with my mind, my body & all the strength I can muster...

 

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