Why do i feel so bad?

This is a question I ask a lot! I'll go a few months feeling pretty good & then hit a period of several months feeling bad.

Currently, fatigue is my constant companion. I'm so tired ALL the time. Add to that pins & needles/numbness and pain in my joints/bones, I'm a mess. So off to the doctor I went. Since the beginning of the year, the wonderful Resident that been working with me has been busy!

First, she did a full blood workup on me. It came back showing Stage 3 Chronic Kidney Disease & anemia. So, a kidney ultrasound, urine test & more bloodwork followed. I was put on iron & told we will check bloodworm ever six months.

Next, I was sent to sleep doctor & for a sleep study since I hadn't had one since 2011. From that, I received a new c-pap & my pressure was almost doubled (from 9 to 16).

By now it had been 6 months. I was still fatigued, still dealing with pins/needles & pain. I also was not eating a lot as nothing agreed with me.  So back to the doctor. More bloodwork! This time my kidney disease numbers had improved back to stage 2! I was no longer anaemic & my a1c was so good that I'm no longer had prediabetes!

But, now I had hypercalcemia (high calcium levels). So more testing found out my parathyroid levels were low. Even more blood testing to find out that my parathyroid related protein levels (pthrp) were normal. Now we are just watching my calcium levels.

That brings us up to today. I'm still fatigued. I still have pins & needles and numbness (in legs, arms, face, head). Still having pain in joints & bones. I have also been having some tremors & muscle spasms. I had bloodwork today to check my Vitamin B12 levels. I also have a rheumatologist appointment in November (been waiting since like March on that one!).

So, why do I feel so bad? I still don't know. Fibromyalgia is what they tell me when everything else gets ruled out by tests. Not that it matters much the reason. I still have to push through it & keep going. Still have to take it one day at a time. Still have to cling to my Savior Jesus to carry me through when I can't! I keep moving, keep doing, keep praying, and just keep on keeping on until Heaven!

In the Darkness

I keep thinking this will be the day that I wake up without the darkness invading my mind. I know you can't see it, but it's there.

Why? Because we live in a fallen world with broken bodies. Why me? I don't know. My body is broken. Fibromyalgia robs my body of serotonin. Then Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) robs me of norepinephrine, dopamine & even more serotonin. I've started on meds to help replenish those vital brain chemicals, but it takes time.

The "feelings" caused by the lack of those chemicals are in stark contrast to reality. Loneliness, sadness, despair... It's a constant battle to not give in, to not just go with those feelings or to just stop feeling... to withdraw from everyone & everything... To curl up in a ball and cry... Or to yell & scream at everyone around me... Or to keep myself so busy that I can't think...

On top of these feelings comes the guilt, fear, shame... "You are so blessed, why are you down?" "Just snap out of it!" "Depression is a sin" "Christians don't take anti-depressants" "anti-depressants will hurt you, use herbs/oils/prayer instead" "you're hurting everyone around you" "they'll all think you're crazy if you let them know you're depressed" "pretend everything's okay" .........voices that echo through my head from myself, others & the Internet.

It will ALL drive you to Sanity's Edge!!!

So I fight...

....I told my Hubby I'm struggling. Admitting it is a big step!

....I went to my doctor who is overseeing my meds.

....I journal when I can. Or in this case, blog.

....I get out in the sunshine when I can.

....I talk with those I know who have been/or are going through depression. It's a big help to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

....I'm trying to speak up about my struggle. Bringing it into the light helps loosen its grip. It also may help someone else who is struggling.

....I have a few people praying for me as sometimes I can't pray myself other than "Help me God!"

....I'm trying to eliminate as much stress as I can, which is pretty hard.

 

Some days I win the fight... Some days I lose it... Most days I'm barely hanging on but fighting for every inch...

...fighting to get out of bed instead of sleeping all day. ...fighting to smile instead of cry. ...fighting to concentrate on what others are saying instead of what my mind is saying. ...fighting to be outgoing instead of hiding. ...fighting to listen to reality instead of the "voices" of guilt & shame. ...fighting to let things roll off my back instead of taking everything to heart. ...fighting to beat this depression instead of slipping over sanity's edge.

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Sometimes we overdo!

The balance between pushing ourselves & overdoing is a constant battle when you have fibromyalgia. You have to constantly be thinking "Is this the activity that will push me over the edge?" But sometimes, you have to choose to do an activity that you know will land you in bed. Why? Because you want to be with your family & make memories with your kids.

This past Thursday & Friday, I made that choice. We had the opportunity to visit Washington, DC. If you've ever been to DC, you know that it entails lots of walking!

On Thursday, marked in red, we walked several blocks from Metro to Ford's Theatre & Peterson House. We toured both sites & museums. Then we hopped Metro again to Arlington National Cemetery. We walked all over the cemetery (lots of hills). Then we walked from Cemetery across Memorial Bridge to Lincoln Memorial through several monuments & to Metro on National Mall. We figure we walked a good 5-6 miles.

On Friday we walked less outside, but more inside the National Archives & Smithsonian National Museum of American History, marked in blue. I was exhausted by this point & had to sit a lot! I missed out on seeing a lot of the exhibits with my Hubby & kids.

By Friday night, I was exhausted! It took several days to get back to normal. I try really hard to push myself to walk & keep moving. But sometimes I wonder if it would be better to have a wheelchair, at least for those times I know we are doing a lot of walking, like sightseeing & conferences. Where is that line? Where do you push through & where do you admit you need a wheelchair in order to keep active?

 

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