In the Darkness

I keep thinking this will be the day that I wake up without the darkness invading my mind. I know you can't see it, but it's there.

Why? Because we live in a fallen world with broken bodies. Why me? I don't know. My body is broken. Fibromyalgia robs my body of serotonin. Then Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) robs me of norepinephrine, dopamine & even more serotonin. I've started on meds to help replenish those vital brain chemicals, but it takes time.

The "feelings" caused by the lack of those chemicals are in stark contrast to reality. Loneliness, sadness, despair... It's a constant battle to not give in, to not just go with those feelings or to just stop feeling... to withdraw from everyone & everything... To curl up in a ball and cry... Or to yell & scream at everyone around me... Or to keep myself so busy that I can't think...

On top of these feelings comes the guilt, fear, shame... "You are so blessed, why are you down?" "Just snap out of it!" "Depression is a sin" "Christians don't take anti-depressants" "anti-depressants will hurt you, use herbs/oils/prayer instead" "you're hurting everyone around you" "they'll all think you're crazy if you let them know you're depressed" "pretend everything's okay" .........voices that echo through my head from myself, others & the Internet.

It will ALL drive you to Sanity's Edge!!!

So I fight...

....I told my Hubby I'm struggling. Admitting it is a big step!

....I went to my doctor who is overseeing my meds.

....I journal when I can. Or in this case, blog.

....I get out in the sunshine when I can.

....I talk with those I know who have been/or are going through depression. It's a big help to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

....I'm trying to speak up about my struggle. Bringing it into the light helps loosen its grip. It also may help someone else who is struggling.

....I have a few people praying for me as sometimes I can't pray myself other than "Help me God!"

....I'm trying to eliminate as much stress as I can, which is pretty hard.

 

Some days I win the fight... Some days I lose it... Most days I'm barely hanging on but fighting for every inch...

...fighting to get out of bed instead of sleeping all day. ...fighting to smile instead of cry. ...fighting to concentrate on what others are saying instead of what my mind is saying. ...fighting to be outgoing instead of hiding. ...fighting to listen to reality instead of the "voices" of guilt & shame. ...fighting to let things roll off my back instead of taking everything to heart. ...fighting to beat this depression instead of slipping over sanity's edge.

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Has it really been over 3 months?!

Wow! Time flies! So much has happened since April. I've started some new treatments that I'm excited about.

A couple friends introduced me to Essential Oils! I'm in love with Young Living's PanAway! Since I started using this, I have not had to take pain pills! It hasn't taken the pain completely away, but helps keep it manageable! I'm looking forward to trying some other oils once I get a little extra money.

I also got up the nerve to start chiropractic treatment. As I suspected, my spine was very misaligned! I've been 5 times & I'm a believer! After my 2nd visit, I walked out with NO pain in my neck. Now, I was really sore by bedtime & had to ice my neck. As my chiropractor, Dr. Kevin Storm, works on getting my spine in alignment, I am feeling better & better! He is also working on my tight neck & back muscles. Tight muscles have been a big complaint of mine. Between treatments & the exercises he has given me, I'm feeling more relaxed.

But, that is not all that's new! Dr. storm is also doing accupuncture on me! I've had 2 sessions so far. After the first one, I was a little sore & was very tired. After the second, I walked out pain-free (for about 12 hrs or so) & had lots of energy! I was able to weed my garden & still had energy to spare.

I now find myself looking forward to my treatment days. Each time I leave feeling a little better & the effects tend to last a little longer each time!

I know these new treatments will not cure my fibromyalgia. But I do feel certain they will make it more manageable & will give me more good days than bad! I am just praising God for opening my eyes to these alternative treatments! I was so resistant to them. They have been an answer to prayer! I'm excited to see the progress I make toward getting healthy! I now have hope that I can increase my activity level, which will lead to some weight loss!

So keep checking back for updates!

 

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Fighting

I'm not sure why this flare-up has been so hard on me. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because I've gained even more weight. Maybe it's just because I've had 3 different doctors convinced it was 3 different diagnosis & lab work proved them wrong. Maybe it's the wasted time & money. Maybe it's the overwhelming fatigue. Maybe it's all the well-meaning "advice" on how to get better. Maybe it's hormones on top of everything.

No matter the reason, it has been hard. Part of me feels guilty because I am struggling so much. So many others have it so much worse. Losing loved ones, fighting cancer, losing limbs, fighting illnesses that destroy your body, being told "there's nothing more we can do", etc...

So today I'm fighting:

• The fatigue that threatens to drive me back to bed
• The guilt for struggling so much over this
• The uncertainty of when the next severe symptom will hit
• The fear of what the next new symptom will be
• The urge to give in & not fight
• The tears that seem so close to the surface all the time
• The frustration at having to watch my kids react to my health issues
• The depression that threatens to close in
• The isolation that calls me to retreat & avoid people/places
• The anger over having to deal with this that boils to the surface & threatens to erupt

Why do I not give in? Why do I fight? Because I have hope! I know there is more to life than this. This life of pain/suffering/brokenness is not forever! It is only for a brief moment!

Over 2,000 years ago, a little baby was born in a stable in Bethlehem. But He wasn't just a baby, He was God! He became man so that He could experience every trial, anxiety, fear & suffering that we face. He became man so that He could take MY sins on Himself and suffer and die for me as a sacrifice! As MY sacrifice! Then He rose from the dead! He defeated death!! Because He defeated death, I have life! I need not fear death! Because He is my Savior & Lord, I have eternal life! Once this life is over, I get to spend eternity praising & worshiping my God & Savior! Not only that, but in eternity there will be no more fighting! No more pain! No more anxiety! No more fear! No more anger! No more frustration! I will be whole!

Until then, I will fight the good fight!

12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called and have confessed the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. (I Timothy 4:12)

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Just fibromyalgia & carpal tunnel

I had my appointment with the neurologist yesterday. My tests came back good except for my right hand. It showed extreme carpal tunnel with weakness in my thumb. It's bad enough that I see the hand surgeon on Monday. I'm praying no surgery for now, but we will see.

For now, my neurologist feels all my other symptoms are related to my fibromyalgia. So, now I have to learn to deal with all these symptoms. I have a script to get a walker for my really bad days. I'm also getting a handicap placard for those days my fatigue is really bad.

Im struggling a lot. My symptoms are scary & annoying. But it's just more of the same thing I've had all my life. There's no cure. There's no real treatment. Different things work for different people. Lately I'm overwhelmed by everything. Do I go traditional meds? Acupuncture? Chiropractic? Herbal? All natural foods? Gluten free? Low fat, high fiber? Low carb? High protein? High fat? Lots of exercise? Little to no exercise? Stretching? Physical therapy? Massage? Do I push hard? Or do I rest? On top of all this, how do I take care of my family? How do I cook & clean? What if I continue getting worse? What if the weakness continues? What if the tremors get worse?

How do I balance working toward getting better with preparing for the worst? How do I research treatments without getting overwhelmed by it all? How do I explain to the kids the unpredictability of fibromyalgia? How do I explain that I might get better but I might get worse or I may go up & down?

At least I know that whatever the future holds, God is in control. None of this takes Him by surprise! I have to lean on Him to carry me through each & every obstacle! All this pain & scary symptoms makes me long for Heaven a little more! So I press on! I will walk through this step by step. I may never know the correct answers to all my above questions. I'm so thankful my Savior is my comforter & friend. I can vent my feelings to Him. No matter how scared & overwhelmed all this makes me, I'm thankful for it! Without it, I would not have as close a relationship with God. I would not be the person I am today. I still have tough days. I still cry. But I have hope! Hope that one day I will have no more pain! Thanks to Jesus dying for my sins & rising again! He is my living Savior & Lord! May He use my life to bring Him glory and help someone else through tough times!

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Fear

By [the help of] God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. What can man, who is flesh, do to me? (Psalm 56:4 AMP)

THE Lord is my Light and my Salvation--whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1 AMP)

Fear! It's the one thing we all struggle with, some of us more than others!

When I was little, I feared people. I was shy. Then I feared the reaction/responses of people. So I became a people pleaser! At age 7, after a stint in hospital, I feared relapsing & never walking again. As I got older, I feared public speaking so much that I threw a science test so that my GPA would slip enough to put me in 3rd place in my class. I did NOT want to make a speech at graduation!

I lived with fear for almost 3/4 of my life so far. Then God got my attention! At age 27, I was bedridden & in excruciating pain. The doctors couldn't figure it out & couldn't take the pain away. In the middle of the long dark nights, I had to face my fears! I might never walk. I would most definitely disappoint & let people down.

Many times, God brought me to the verses that said "Fear Not!" TV preachers taught on fear. Books I read talked about fear. As I got better, I continued to hear, read & study about fear.

I had to come to a point where I had to choose...am I going to live in fear or am I going to trust God to protect me & provide all my needs??

I decided to trust! What a freeing decision! It didn't come easy. I had some moments of fear & times I had to remind myself to let go & leave the detail to God.

It is amazing what God has done for me & through me. By letting go of my fear, I am able to live in the moment. God has given me freedom from seeking the approval of others. If I'm living the way God wants me to, then I don't need to worry what others think. Comparison is the ultimate fear-inducer & a sign that I'm thinking too much about myself.

I'm amazed every time I am able to talk in front of a group without trembling in fear. I'm amazed every time I can call someone & actually talk to them. I'm amazed every time I can leave my house to travel & not be in constant fear something will happen why we are gone. I'm amazed that I can listen to the news & not completely freak out. I'm amazed that I can take life one day at a time & really enjoy it.

We have an awesome God! I'm totally amazed at how much He loves me. The freedom He gives is life changing! He died on a cross for my sins! I'm an imperfect, selfish, sinful person. I deserve death & punishment. But Jesus came & gave His live for me. He WAS perfect, blameless & yet He took MY sins! But His death was not the end. He defeated death! He rose again! Why? Because He loves me. Because He loves you! Just pray & tell Jesus you want Him to be Lord of your life, forgive your sins & free you from death!

Then ask Him to free you from fear! Be prepared to be amazed at the changes He makes in your life & the freedom He gives you!!

 

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God is Faithful

As I've been struggling a lot with my health recently, God has been reminding me more & more of His Faithfulness! The following video has become a new favorite of mine. It's called "Never Once" & it's by Matt Redman.

Many times, we walk through trials that overwhelm us. Yet when we stop looking at our trials & look up, we see that God has been there all along! He never promised us an easy life. But He did promise that He would walk with us through each & every trial.

I've been through many trials, especially in regards to my health. I can testify that Jesus has been faithful! He walked with me through the darkest nights. Because I've seen His faithfulness to me, I know He will carry me through whatever the future holds!

Come to Him! Cling to Him! He is faithful & will see you through each & every trial! It may not be the outcome you want, but He will be with you every step of the way. God is Faithful!!!

 

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Update

Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been on my anti-depressant for over a month now. It has been a big improvement in my moods, but it made me so tired all the time. I saw my doctor on Monday. He cut my dosage in half. If I stay stable on this & my tiredness disappears, then great. If not, my doctor has promised to work with me until we find a med that doesn't cause me side-effects. Have I told you that I love my doctor??

On top of all this, I got sick after Christmas. It was just a stuffy nose until New Year's Day. I really think I got worse because I was so worn out from Christmas, cleaning house, company & NYE party. I often forget that overdoing causes my immune system to be out of whack, more than normal.

So now I'm on antibiotic for a sinus infection. Getting better has been a very slow process. Definitely slower than I want. Hubby is actually home this month. I want to be feeling better so we can do things as a family & I can enjoy him being home.

So that is my update. Some days are a struggle. Some days are better. But through it all, I know that my God will carry me through each day. He is so faithful! Even when I feel horrible, I know God is taking care of me. Sickness, depression, pain.... They are all the result of living in a fallen world, a world marred by sin! It's not the way God created it. And one day, He will come back & make it all whole again! This world will be perfect! I will be perfected in Him! No more pain, no more depression, and no more sickness!

It's the hope of His return, that makes this all bearable! I know I am God's & He is my Lord & Savior! One day I will be healed! This life on earth is just temporary! This knowledge is my joy! My God is the King of Kings & Lord of Lords! It is for Him that I live! No matter how bad I feel, I will praise Him! Through good & bad, sickness & health, I will praise & worship God! Why? Because He is worthy of praise! He is God!

I will praise you, O Lord , among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. (Psalms 108:3, 4 NIV84)

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Painful Praises

Out of nowhere the pain slams me

Once again I'm at its mercy

It hurts to breathe

Darkness beckons

I pause to whisper His name

 

The pain remains but peace floods me

His grace overwhelms me

I can breathe

The darkness flees

All at the mention of His name

 

This scene repeats itself often in my life

I used to beg God to take it

The overwhelming pain

The depression that threatens

The thorn in my flesh so painful

 

But God changed my point of view

I don't see this as a negative

Instead it's a blessing

A chance to praise Him

For He carries me through it all

 

My pain shows me my need of Jesus

I can't survive this life alone

I need His mercy

I need His grace

I need His overwhelming love and care

 

If not for my pain and struggles in life

I'd believe I could do life myself

No need for a Savior

No need for Jesus

Just pushing through life on my own

 

So I humbly pour my praise out to God

And thank Him for my thorns

They show me my need

They show me my hopelessness

They show me how lost I am without Him

 

Rescued by Jesus who suffered for me at Calvary

He died for my sins & yours

He was buried

He rose again

He gave His life so I may be free

 

How can I complain about any pain I face

When my heart is bursting with thanksgiving

Overflowing with gratitude

Humbled and in awe

Of all my Jesus has done for me

 

So I offer my life, my pain, my suffering to Him

A sacrifice of praise lifted

To the Savior of my soul

To the Giver of life

Praise & Honor & Glory forever.

 

 

 

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Gratefulness!

I've been reading Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book "Choosing Gratitude". In it, she states that we need to have gratitude in all things, even bad things.

I truly can say that I am thankful for all my health issues. No, I don't like them. I don't like pain. I don't like numbness & restless legs. I don't like sleepless nights. BUT I am thankful for them.

Through the pain, agony & tears, I have seen my God provide my every need. He has been my comfort on sleepless nights. He has been faithful to never leave me alone. Even when He didn't ease the pain, God gave me peace of mind to rest in Him.

One of the greatest gifts that God has given me through this painful journey has been the privilege of sharing with others what an Awesome God I serve! My Creator made me. He loves me & died for me, a nobody. I don't deserve to be saved, yet He did save me. He walks with me throughout this life.

Though I walk through difficult times that I don't understand, I know that God is there. I know He has a reason for this all. I know that even though I don't know why, He does & it's all for good. And I wouldn't trade all this for the world!

Without the sleepless nights, I wouldn't have the pleasure of praying for my family & friends at night. Without the pain, I wouldn't be able to sympathize with those who hurt. If my life was not just like it is, pain & all, I wouldn't be at the place in my life where I could give thanks to God for this all & in this all!

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Another twist to my life

So, my rheumatologist sent me to the dermatologist because of my facial rash. Come to find out, it's a condition called urticaria. It's basically hives caused by physical stimuli such as sunlight, heat/cold, pressure or exercise. It is treated by taking antihistamines to block the histamine reaction. So something easy to deal with.

The twist comes because I had to have 3 spots, 2 on back & 1 on hand, biopsied. I was not expecting this but very happy my doctor is being so proactive. I had to have stitches in each spot. It affected me more than I thought it would. I've been having some pain & tenderness. I've also been having some moments of fear of the "what ifs". I know God is in control. Whatever the outcome of the biopsies, I know God will carry me through it. But I still have those moments of fear sneak up on me.

I will have the results on Thursday at 8am. So just 84 hours! Then I'll know the extent of this twist...

Honest talk about pain & struggles!

I'm struggling. I'm struggling a lot. I'm not supposed to. And I'm definitely not supposed to talk about struggling... WHAT????!!

Ever feel like that? Ever feel like that since you are a Christian, you are to live this perfect life where every thing is rosy & you have no problems? For some crazy reason, we Christians think that just because we accept Christ as our Savior, suddenly everything in life is perfect. And if it's not, we feel like we've failed God & everyone around us.

Life isn't perfect. Jesus even told us we would have troubles. John 16:33 says "I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you WILL have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Jesus said we will have trouble. He didn't say come to me & all trouble will disappear. He said come to me so I can give you peace when you have trouble.

Why do we have troubles, pains, imperfections, etc? I truly believe a lot of it is because we live in a world ravaged by sin. Sin destroyed God's perfect creation. This world is flawed. Because of this, we will have storms, natural disasters, imperfect people, sickness & strife. But sometimes we have troubles because God wants to bring us to our knees & have us confess sin in our lives. It could also be that God has allowed Satan to sift us so that God will be glorified. We may never know the why? behind our suffering/struggling.

But we can know the God of the universe, the Creator, the Savior of the world who gives peace! The peace God gives is beyond explanation! In John 14:27, Jesus says " Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."

This peace is not the absence of troubles or suffering. This peace is a calmness of soul, spirit & mind. It's a gentle inward assurance that even though things look bad, real bad, God is still in control and He will carry me through this.

How do I know this is true? Because I've experienced it first hand, time and time again. My story is not unique. It is one many people around the world experience. Mine is one of a body wracked with physical pain. It may not be your story for each story is unique. But whatever your story, Jesus is Here! He's waiting to give you Peace!

I've had pain since I was a child. I can't remember a time when I didn't hurt. But I've always known God was there to carry me through the pain. My pain has been given many names & progressed in severity over time - growing pains, cystic arthritis, fibromyalgia & now maybe something more severe & damaging. I go through a period of struggle each time it gets worse and I wait for a new diagnosis.

I wonder "why me?" I cry out in fear for strength. I question God. Yes, I said "I question God!" He's big enough to handle my questions. I don't blame God, but I do ask why me? Why now? Sometimes the only answer I get is "Trust ME!" and somehow it's enough.

As I look back, I can see how this life of physical pain has drawn me closer to Jesus! When doctors & loved ones can give you NO relief, Jesus is the One who can! It may only be Peace of mind & strength to endure the pain or it may be an easing of the pain. But His relief is always what I need!

I can honestly say I would not trade one bit of my life! Yes, it has been painful at times. But without the pain, I might have walked away from My Savior! Without those sleepless nights, I might not have had time to pray for others! Without my experiences with pain, I might not be able to encourage others in pain & assure them that God WILL carry them through. Without my pain, I would not KNOW that God is all I need!