In the Darkness

I keep thinking this will be the day that I wake up without the darkness invading my mind. I know you can't see it, but it's there.

Why? Because we live in a fallen world with broken bodies. Why me? I don't know. My body is broken. Fibromyalgia robs my body of serotonin. Then Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) robs me of norepinephrine, dopamine & even more serotonin. I've started on meds to help replenish those vital brain chemicals, but it takes time.

The "feelings" caused by the lack of those chemicals are in stark contrast to reality. Loneliness, sadness, despair... It's a constant battle to not give in, to not just go with those feelings or to just stop feeling... to withdraw from everyone & everything... To curl up in a ball and cry... Or to yell & scream at everyone around me... Or to keep myself so busy that I can't think...

On top of these feelings comes the guilt, fear, shame... "You are so blessed, why are you down?" "Just snap out of it!" "Depression is a sin" "Christians don't take anti-depressants" "anti-depressants will hurt you, use herbs/oils/prayer instead" "you're hurting everyone around you" "they'll all think you're crazy if you let them know you're depressed" "pretend everything's okay" .........voices that echo through my head from myself, others & the Internet.

It will ALL drive you to Sanity's Edge!!!

So I fight...

....I told my Hubby I'm struggling. Admitting it is a big step!

....I went to my doctor who is overseeing my meds.

....I journal when I can. Or in this case, blog.

....I get out in the sunshine when I can.

....I talk with those I know who have been/or are going through depression. It's a big help to know I'm not alone in this struggle.

....I'm trying to speak up about my struggle. Bringing it into the light helps loosen its grip. It also may help someone else who is struggling.

....I have a few people praying for me as sometimes I can't pray myself other than "Help me God!"

....I'm trying to eliminate as much stress as I can, which is pretty hard.

 

Some days I win the fight... Some days I lose it... Most days I'm barely hanging on but fighting for every inch...

...fighting to get out of bed instead of sleeping all day. ...fighting to smile instead of cry. ...fighting to concentrate on what others are saying instead of what my mind is saying. ...fighting to be outgoing instead of hiding. ...fighting to listen to reality instead of the "voices" of guilt & shame. ...fighting to let things roll off my back instead of taking everything to heart. ...fighting to beat this depression instead of slipping over sanity's edge.

Posted with Blogsy

Has it really been 10 months?!

Wow! So much to update you on...

The last year has been rough. In December, I reached my highest weight ever despite barely eating. I was barely eating because nothing would set with me. I was having all sorts of digestive issues & pain. After several tests, it was determined that my gallbladder was not working.

In May, I had my gallbladder removed. Since then, I'm down around 60 pounds. I'm also able to eat more things & have less digestive issues.

I'm still dealing with my fibromyalgia and Raynauld's. Numbness & tingling comes & goes as well as circulation issues (blue fingers, toes & lips). Sinus issues have been ongoing since spring. And hot flashes & other menopausal symptoms have become a constant presence.

Despite all of that, I feel healthier than I have in awhile. I'm pushing through the symptoms & striving to move more, eat healthier & enjoy life. I'm focusing on God & what He has planned for me. I'm trying to remember to focus on Him & not my pain & symptoms.

Stress of life has also been a big factor. Family & friends with major health issues, deaths of family/friends, watching others go through some tough life situations plus major expenses (surgery, van repairs, etc.) have led to lots of stress. My heart has been burdened & my night-waking hours filled with prayers. All this plus some possible major changes upcoming have made this an interesting season of life.

This has been a very rambling post... If you've stuck through to the end, thank you! Will post more later....

 

Posted with Blogsy

Some questions

Living with a chronic health issues yourself or having children/spouse/parents who have a chronic health issue is by definition a life long ordeal. Some days you have good days & some days are pretty bad. Some days you feel like you have a handle on everything. You feel like "I got this! Life is good!" The next day you can be so overwhelmed that you wonder how you will survive the next few minutes.

These chronic health issues can include (but not limited to): fibromyalgia, hemophilia, severe food allergies, multiple sclerosis, sarcoidosis, chronic fatigue, celiac, rheumatoid arthritis & autism. The way these affect life varies greatly. I'm working on a project & would love as many people as I can get to answer a few questions listed below. You can get me the answers several ways. You can comment below, email me at joyfulmomlea @ iCloud.com or message me on Facebook if we are friends.

Thank you for your time & energy! Also, share this with others who deal with chronic health issues! Here goes:

1. Do you or a family member have chronic health issues?

2. If you feel comfortable doing so, could you share your issues?

3. What is your biggest challenge?

4. Do you have support or do you feel alone in your daily struggles?

5. Where do you find the most support?

6. Where do you find the least support?

7. What is one thing you wish you could tell others about life with chronic health issues?

8. What is the most helpful thing someone has said or done for you or your family?

9. What is the most unhelpful thing someone has said or done?

10. Do you have any other comments, suggestions, thoughts you'd like to share on these topics?

Thank you so much for your time & effort!

Posted with Blogsy

Has it really been over 3 months?!

Wow! Time flies! So much has happened since April. I've started some new treatments that I'm excited about.

A couple friends introduced me to Essential Oils! I'm in love with Young Living's PanAway! Since I started using this, I have not had to take pain pills! It hasn't taken the pain completely away, but helps keep it manageable! I'm looking forward to trying some other oils once I get a little extra money.

I also got up the nerve to start chiropractic treatment. As I suspected, my spine was very misaligned! I've been 5 times & I'm a believer! After my 2nd visit, I walked out with NO pain in my neck. Now, I was really sore by bedtime & had to ice my neck. As my chiropractor, Dr. Kevin Storm, works on getting my spine in alignment, I am feeling better & better! He is also working on my tight neck & back muscles. Tight muscles have been a big complaint of mine. Between treatments & the exercises he has given me, I'm feeling more relaxed.

But, that is not all that's new! Dr. storm is also doing accupuncture on me! I've had 2 sessions so far. After the first one, I was a little sore & was very tired. After the second, I walked out pain-free (for about 12 hrs or so) & had lots of energy! I was able to weed my garden & still had energy to spare.

I now find myself looking forward to my treatment days. Each time I leave feeling a little better & the effects tend to last a little longer each time!

I know these new treatments will not cure my fibromyalgia. But I do feel certain they will make it more manageable & will give me more good days than bad! I am just praising God for opening my eyes to these alternative treatments! I was so resistant to them. They have been an answer to prayer! I'm excited to see the progress I make toward getting healthy! I now have hope that I can increase my activity level, which will lead to some weight loss!

So keep checking back for updates!

 

Posted with Blogsy

Sometimes we overdo!

The balance between pushing ourselves & overdoing is a constant battle when you have fibromyalgia. You have to constantly be thinking "Is this the activity that will push me over the edge?" But sometimes, you have to choose to do an activity that you know will land you in bed. Why? Because you want to be with your family & make memories with your kids.

This past Thursday & Friday, I made that choice. We had the opportunity to visit Washington, DC. If you've ever been to DC, you know that it entails lots of walking!

On Thursday, marked in red, we walked several blocks from Metro to Ford's Theatre & Peterson House. We toured both sites & museums. Then we hopped Metro again to Arlington National Cemetery. We walked all over the cemetery (lots of hills). Then we walked from Cemetery across Memorial Bridge to Lincoln Memorial through several monuments & to Metro on National Mall. We figure we walked a good 5-6 miles.

On Friday we walked less outside, but more inside the National Archives & Smithsonian National Museum of American History, marked in blue. I was exhausted by this point & had to sit a lot! I missed out on seeing a lot of the exhibits with my Hubby & kids.

By Friday night, I was exhausted! It took several days to get back to normal. I try really hard to push myself to walk & keep moving. But sometimes I wonder if it would be better to have a wheelchair, at least for those times I know we are doing a lot of walking, like sightseeing & conferences. Where is that line? Where do you push through & where do you admit you need a wheelchair in order to keep active?

 

Posted with Blogsy

Fighting

I'm not sure why this flare-up has been so hard on me. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because I've gained even more weight. Maybe it's just because I've had 3 different doctors convinced it was 3 different diagnosis & lab work proved them wrong. Maybe it's the wasted time & money. Maybe it's the overwhelming fatigue. Maybe it's all the well-meaning "advice" on how to get better. Maybe it's hormones on top of everything.

No matter the reason, it has been hard. Part of me feels guilty because I am struggling so much. So many others have it so much worse. Losing loved ones, fighting cancer, losing limbs, fighting illnesses that destroy your body, being told "there's nothing more we can do", etc...

So today I'm fighting:

• The fatigue that threatens to drive me back to bed
• The guilt for struggling so much over this
• The uncertainty of when the next severe symptom will hit
• The fear of what the next new symptom will be
• The urge to give in & not fight
• The tears that seem so close to the surface all the time
• The frustration at having to watch my kids react to my health issues
• The depression that threatens to close in
• The isolation that calls me to retreat & avoid people/places
• The anger over having to deal with this that boils to the surface & threatens to erupt

Why do I not give in? Why do I fight? Because I have hope! I know there is more to life than this. This life of pain/suffering/brokenness is not forever! It is only for a brief moment!

Over 2,000 years ago, a little baby was born in a stable in Bethlehem. But He wasn't just a baby, He was God! He became man so that He could experience every trial, anxiety, fear & suffering that we face. He became man so that He could take MY sins on Himself and suffer and die for me as a sacrifice! As MY sacrifice! Then He rose from the dead! He defeated death!! Because He defeated death, I have life! I need not fear death! Because He is my Savior & Lord, I have eternal life! Once this life is over, I get to spend eternity praising & worshiping my God & Savior! Not only that, but in eternity there will be no more fighting! No more pain! No more anxiety! No more fear! No more anger! No more frustration! I will be whole!

Until then, I will fight the good fight!

12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called and have confessed the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. (I Timothy 4:12)

Posted with Blogsy

Just fibromyalgia & carpal tunnel

I had my appointment with the neurologist yesterday. My tests came back good except for my right hand. It showed extreme carpal tunnel with weakness in my thumb. It's bad enough that I see the hand surgeon on Monday. I'm praying no surgery for now, but we will see.

For now, my neurologist feels all my other symptoms are related to my fibromyalgia. So, now I have to learn to deal with all these symptoms. I have a script to get a walker for my really bad days. I'm also getting a handicap placard for those days my fatigue is really bad.

Im struggling a lot. My symptoms are scary & annoying. But it's just more of the same thing I've had all my life. There's no cure. There's no real treatment. Different things work for different people. Lately I'm overwhelmed by everything. Do I go traditional meds? Acupuncture? Chiropractic? Herbal? All natural foods? Gluten free? Low fat, high fiber? Low carb? High protein? High fat? Lots of exercise? Little to no exercise? Stretching? Physical therapy? Massage? Do I push hard? Or do I rest? On top of all this, how do I take care of my family? How do I cook & clean? What if I continue getting worse? What if the weakness continues? What if the tremors get worse?

How do I balance working toward getting better with preparing for the worst? How do I research treatments without getting overwhelmed by it all? How do I explain to the kids the unpredictability of fibromyalgia? How do I explain that I might get better but I might get worse or I may go up & down?

At least I know that whatever the future holds, God is in control. None of this takes Him by surprise! I have to lean on Him to carry me through each & every obstacle! All this pain & scary symptoms makes me long for Heaven a little more! So I press on! I will walk through this step by step. I may never know the correct answers to all my above questions. I'm so thankful my Savior is my comforter & friend. I can vent my feelings to Him. No matter how scared & overwhelmed all this makes me, I'm thankful for it! Without it, I would not have as close a relationship with God. I would not be the person I am today. I still have tough days. I still cry. But I have hope! Hope that one day I will have no more pain! Thanks to Jesus dying for my sins & rising again! He is my living Savior & Lord! May He use my life to bring Him glory and help someone else through tough times!

Posted with Blogsy

Another update

It's been awhile since I've posted. Since I've had no answers, I really didn't feel like posting. I had my MRIs several weeks ago & was supposed to see the neurologist last week. His office cancelled that appt & couldn't see me until Nov 4th. We called back & stressed that I needed to be seen before that, so I saw the nurse practitioner today.

The good news is that my MRIs are clear. So no MS! There is some arthritis in my cervical spine but according to them it is normal changes with age. They feel that the numbness/tingling is my fibromyalgia. She did listen to my concerns about the weakness/feeling off balance. I also stressed that I'd like to get back to walking, but fear I might fall.

After some testing in the office, she ordered an EMG with NCV. Confused yet? :-) An electromyogram (EMG) measures the electrical activity of muscles at rest and during contraction. Nerve conduction studies measure how well and how fast the nerves can send electrical signals. They will compare these to the studies I had done 1 1/2 years ago to see if my muscles are actually weaker or if it's a nerve signal issue.

After these tests, she said I'd probably be sent to physical therapy. She's worried about me falling and urged me to be extra careful until then. She also was concerned that my BP was high. I think it's just the stress over this, but have message in with my primary doctor. Oh & she also asked my primary doctor to up my Effexor. She felt it might help alleviate some of the nerve symptoms. I felt like it was a productive appointment. No real, definite answers but movement in the right direction.

Posted with Blogsy

I'm gonna be alright!

I've been struggling a lot! Anytime you don't know what is wrong with your body, you struggle. It's always a roller-coaster of emotions.

I went to my regular doctor who confessed to me that he has no idea what is going on with me. He said we will wait to see what the MRI shows & then go from there. It was refreshing to have my doctor admit I have him stumped.

Last week, one of our elders at church preached about giving thanks & praise to God! This week, one of our missionaries, Dave Weston, preached on prayer! We need to become prayer warriors! We need to become impudent people who are so impassioned for Christ that we become people of prayer! Through these 2 sermons, God has laid it on my heart that I need to use this "down" time more effectively. I need to pray more for all those around me.

I was also blessed today after church by 3 wonderful, lovely ladies who came over to me & prayed over me! I didn't feel any different physically, but wow! My mood was lifted & a feeling of peace washed over me! I felt God whispering to me "You're gonna be alright!" I knew at that moment that no matter what the diagnosis, I would be alright! None of this is a surprise to God. My prayer is that whatever the diagnosis, whatever I have to go through, whatever obstacles I have to face, God will carry me through & He will be glorified through me! I pray it will be obvious that I could not get through this current health challenge without God's strength & God's Grace!

 

Posted with Blogsy

Not just fibromyalgia!

3 insignificant words yet together they mean the world to me!

 

Since my diagnosis of fibromyalgia over 15 years ago, it seems doctors want to blame everything on it. It's like fibromyalgia becomes anything & everything to these doctors. I don't fit the normal expected patient on anything. None of the fibromyalgia meds work on me. I have weird symptoms. I get weird tests results.

 

I've had doctors that were convinced I had thyroid issues after examination & then tests all come back normal so it's just my fibromyalgia. My doctors were convinced I had MS 1 1/2 years ago but because MRI & spinal tap were clear, it's just my fibromyalgia. I'm at a point of wanting to give up on doctors...

 

Then yesterday I had a doctor's appointment with my primary doctor. For almost 2 weeks, I have had constant body-wide tingling, numbness & other nerve symptoms. I've also felt weak, like I could fall. I was so nervous about my appointment & was convinced I was going to get the "it's just fibromyalgia" line.

 

We talked about my numbness & weakness. He was concerned about my blood pressure being low so he adjusted my meds. Then he tested my strength. I really thought I felt weak because my legs/feet were numb but I couldn't even push his hands up with my legs! And he was easily able to push my arms down.

 

Then my doctor said those 3 words - "Not just fibromyalgia!" He is really concerned about the weakness. He's hoping it's something simple like a vitamin deficiency or anemia or thyroid. But he's going to keep looking till we figure it out. I go back in 3 weeks.

 

I don't want to have actual weakness. I don't want to have something else wrong with me, but I'm relieved to know that I was right! It is more than just fibromyalgia! Once we figure it out, then I can work on a plan for dealing with it! It's always easier when you have a diagnosis. The not knowing can drive you crazy as you go through all the "what ifs!"

 

So for now, I take it easy. I need to stay aware of the weakness, just go with the numbness & keep a positive outlook. I need to be thankful for what I can do! God will carry me through & give me the strength to deal with whatever diagnosis comes my way!

Posted with Blogsy

Fear

By [the help of] God I will praise His word; on God I lean, rely, and confidently put my trust; I will not fear. What can man, who is flesh, do to me? (Psalm 56:4 AMP)

THE Lord is my Light and my Salvation--whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life--of whom shall I be afraid? (Psalm 27:1 AMP)

Fear! It's the one thing we all struggle with, some of us more than others!

When I was little, I feared people. I was shy. Then I feared the reaction/responses of people. So I became a people pleaser! At age 7, after a stint in hospital, I feared relapsing & never walking again. As I got older, I feared public speaking so much that I threw a science test so that my GPA would slip enough to put me in 3rd place in my class. I did NOT want to make a speech at graduation!

I lived with fear for almost 3/4 of my life so far. Then God got my attention! At age 27, I was bedridden & in excruciating pain. The doctors couldn't figure it out & couldn't take the pain away. In the middle of the long dark nights, I had to face my fears! I might never walk. I would most definitely disappoint & let people down.

Many times, God brought me to the verses that said "Fear Not!" TV preachers taught on fear. Books I read talked about fear. As I got better, I continued to hear, read & study about fear.

I had to come to a point where I had to choose...am I going to live in fear or am I going to trust God to protect me & provide all my needs??

I decided to trust! What a freeing decision! It didn't come easy. I had some moments of fear & times I had to remind myself to let go & leave the detail to God.

It is amazing what God has done for me & through me. By letting go of my fear, I am able to live in the moment. God has given me freedom from seeking the approval of others. If I'm living the way God wants me to, then I don't need to worry what others think. Comparison is the ultimate fear-inducer & a sign that I'm thinking too much about myself.

I'm amazed every time I am able to talk in front of a group without trembling in fear. I'm amazed every time I can call someone & actually talk to them. I'm amazed every time I can leave my house to travel & not be in constant fear something will happen why we are gone. I'm amazed that I can listen to the news & not completely freak out. I'm amazed that I can take life one day at a time & really enjoy it.

We have an awesome God! I'm totally amazed at how much He loves me. The freedom He gives is life changing! He died on a cross for my sins! I'm an imperfect, selfish, sinful person. I deserve death & punishment. But Jesus came & gave His live for me. He WAS perfect, blameless & yet He took MY sins! But His death was not the end. He defeated death! He rose again! Why? Because He loves me. Because He loves you! Just pray & tell Jesus you want Him to be Lord of your life, forgive your sins & free you from death!

Then ask Him to free you from fear! Be prepared to be amazed at the changes He makes in your life & the freedom He gives you!!

 

Posted with Blogsy

My week at camp

We serve an awesome God who is able to do more through us than we can even imagine! He can enable us to do things we really wondered if we would be able to do. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." -Philippians 4:13

It all started May 6th when Justin Williams sent out an email to parents stating we needed more chaperones for the youth SpringHill work trip. For 6 days, I wrestled with God over this. After all, I have fibromyalgia & have been dealing with a flare-up of nervous system symptoms. Some days I can barely walk & spend lots of time on the couch. How could I work at camp & do all that walking? How could I sleep in a cabin & be able to move the next day? Plus, I didn't know very many of these teens. These were all legitimate concerns, but it came down to one question. Would I trust God to work out all the details, obey Him & go to camp? So on May 12th I told Justin I would go!

On Sunday, June 2nd, we loaded my van & several cars & headed to camp. I was dealing with hormone issues as well as a headache & numbness. But our God is awesome! He gave me an calm attitude & I was able to just go & do!

Monday was our first work day. I led a kitchen team. We worked from after breakfast until after supper with just a few breaks. Unfortunately, I OVERDID! I know, not a big surprise. I tried to work too much & not just supervise. By the end of the day, I didn't know whether I would make it through the rest of the week. Our youth group leaders, Justin & Debby, saw how I was feeling & got after me. They told me to slow down. They also took the after supper responsibilities from me so I could rest!

After that, I slowed down! I took more breaks, let the youth do most of the work & really started enjoying the week. I'm amazed at how much the kids wanted to serve. When I stepped back, they stepped up & filled in all the gaps. My crew did better when I let them own the job & I just supervised!

I still hurt every night. I had to take muscle relaxers every evening. But my attitude was in check & I actually enjoyed the teens. God just gave me a peace about it all. He gave me the strength I needed. I came away from the week renewed in my spirit, in awe of my Creator & with a new view of teenagers.

Our youth group

So don't let your health limitations hold you back from doing something God calls you to do! He is faithful & He will provide!

 

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

God is Faithful

As I've been struggling a lot with my health recently, God has been reminding me more & more of His Faithfulness! The following video has become a new favorite of mine. It's called "Never Once" & it's by Matt Redman.

Many times, we walk through trials that overwhelm us. Yet when we stop looking at our trials & look up, we see that God has been there all along! He never promised us an easy life. But He did promise that He would walk with us through each & every trial.

I've been through many trials, especially in regards to my health. I can testify that Jesus has been faithful! He walked with me through the darkest nights. Because I've seen His faithfulness to me, I know He will carry me through whatever the future holds!

Come to Him! Cling to Him! He is faithful & will see you through each & every trial! It may not be the outcome you want, but He will be with you every step of the way. God is Faithful!!!

 

Posted with Blogsy

Nerve issues

Seems like every time I post, I'm struggling! This post is no exception. Of all the symptoms I deal with, the nerve issues are the worst. The numbness, tingling, pin prickles, creepy crawlies & burning sensations are so "unnerving"! I've dealt with them in my legs due to pinched nerves or in my hand due to carpal tunnel.

But these body wide sensations are driving me insane. There is nothing I can do but endure them! Not only do the sensations bother me, but all the "what is wrong with me" thoughts... This has to be more than fibromyalgia!

So I'm biding my time till Hubby's new insurance kicks in. I'm praying I don't go insane! I'm praying that some totally worse symptom doesn't kick in, especially when it's just me & kids at home. I push through... It's all you can do!

I keep reminding myself that NONE of this is a surprise to God! He knows exactly what is going on with my body. I cling to the fact that this body is not forever! One glorious day, I will have a new, perfect body just the way God intended. I yearn for that day, but until then, I keep clinging to Jesus! He carries me through! He endured far worse pain than I when He was beaten & bruised & killed for my sin! He sympathizes with me & comforts me! Praise God!

So I carry on! I endure this thorn & look forward to the future!

Posted with Blogsy

Update

Sorry it's taken me so long to update. I've been on my anti-depressant for over a month now. It has been a big improvement in my moods, but it made me so tired all the time. I saw my doctor on Monday. He cut my dosage in half. If I stay stable on this & my tiredness disappears, then great. If not, my doctor has promised to work with me until we find a med that doesn't cause me side-effects. Have I told you that I love my doctor??

On top of all this, I got sick after Christmas. It was just a stuffy nose until New Year's Day. I really think I got worse because I was so worn out from Christmas, cleaning house, company & NYE party. I often forget that overdoing causes my immune system to be out of whack, more than normal.

So now I'm on antibiotic for a sinus infection. Getting better has been a very slow process. Definitely slower than I want. Hubby is actually home this month. I want to be feeling better so we can do things as a family & I can enjoy him being home.

So that is my update. Some days are a struggle. Some days are better. But through it all, I know that my God will carry me through each day. He is so faithful! Even when I feel horrible, I know God is taking care of me. Sickness, depression, pain.... They are all the result of living in a fallen world, a world marred by sin! It's not the way God created it. And one day, He will come back & make it all whole again! This world will be perfect! I will be perfected in Him! No more pain, no more depression, and no more sickness!

It's the hope of His return, that makes this all bearable! I know I am God's & He is my Lord & Savior! One day I will be healed! This life on earth is just temporary! This knowledge is my joy! My God is the King of Kings & Lord of Lords! It is for Him that I live! No matter how bad I feel, I will praise Him! Through good & bad, sickness & health, I will praise & worship God! Why? Because He is worthy of praise! He is God!

I will praise you, O Lord , among the nations; I will sing of you among the peoples. For great is your love, higher than the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies. (Psalms 108:3, 4 NIV84)

Posted with Blogsy

The big "D" word!

Fall has almost skipped us here in Indiana. We went from 80+ degree days to days in the 30s & 40s. Except for a mild day every once in awhile. What I wasn't ready for was the sudden onslaught of "winter symptoms". You know, the increased aches & the depression. Add to that hormone issues & you get a big mess.

You'd think after a lifetime of this, I would be prepared. I wasn't. And my family, especially Hubby, paid the price. What price is that? A grumpy, sad, tired, sick me. When I'm down, so is my whole family. The worst part is that I can see myself in this rut, but I can't get out.

I'm doing better the past few days. My Hubby prayed over me & my hormones have stabilized. We also had a few gorgeous days with lots of sunshine. I was able to walk some over the weekend. But I can see it's going to be a tough winter.

It may be time to get an anti-depressant. As most of you know, Fibromyalgia suffers already have low serotonin. Add Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to it & my serotonin levels bottom out when the sunlight hours get short.

I truly hate medication, but there are times when I need it. My mind tells me I am being weak, but my heart is telling me that I need to do this for myself & my family. It's hard to admit you are depressed & need meds. People (including myself) judge you for taking anti-depressants & for being depressed.

I know that I am truly blessed. I have everything in the world to be joyful for. I am grateful. But I also know my joy is not based on my circumstances or health. You can be joyful but still be depressed. So I must seek help from my doctor.

Yes, I'm blogging to convince myself what I need to do. And just maybe, my struggle will help someone else in the same situation.

Posted with Blogsy

Painful Praises

Out of nowhere the pain slams me

Once again I'm at its mercy

It hurts to breathe

Darkness beckons

I pause to whisper His name

 

The pain remains but peace floods me

His grace overwhelms me

I can breathe

The darkness flees

All at the mention of His name

 

This scene repeats itself often in my life

I used to beg God to take it

The overwhelming pain

The depression that threatens

The thorn in my flesh so painful

 

But God changed my point of view

I don't see this as a negative

Instead it's a blessing

A chance to praise Him

For He carries me through it all

 

My pain shows me my need of Jesus

I can't survive this life alone

I need His mercy

I need His grace

I need His overwhelming love and care

 

If not for my pain and struggles in life

I'd believe I could do life myself

No need for a Savior

No need for Jesus

Just pushing through life on my own

 

So I humbly pour my praise out to God

And thank Him for my thorns

They show me my need

They show me my hopelessness

They show me how lost I am without Him

 

Rescued by Jesus who suffered for me at Calvary

He died for my sins & yours

He was buried

He rose again

He gave His life so I may be free

 

How can I complain about any pain I face

When my heart is bursting with thanksgiving

Overflowing with gratitude

Humbled and in awe

Of all my Jesus has done for me

 

So I offer my life, my pain, my suffering to Him

A sacrifice of praise lifted

To the Savior of my soul

To the Giver of life

Praise & Honor & Glory forever.

 

 

 

Posted with Blogsy

Gratefulness!

I've been reading Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book "Choosing Gratitude". In it, she states that we need to have gratitude in all things, even bad things.

I truly can say that I am thankful for all my health issues. No, I don't like them. I don't like pain. I don't like numbness & restless legs. I don't like sleepless nights. BUT I am thankful for them.

Through the pain, agony & tears, I have seen my God provide my every need. He has been my comfort on sleepless nights. He has been faithful to never leave me alone. Even when He didn't ease the pain, God gave me peace of mind to rest in Him.

One of the greatest gifts that God has given me through this painful journey has been the privilege of sharing with others what an Awesome God I serve! My Creator made me. He loves me & died for me, a nobody. I don't deserve to be saved, yet He did save me. He walks with me throughout this life.

Though I walk through difficult times that I don't understand, I know that God is there. I know He has a reason for this all. I know that even though I don't know why, He does & it's all for good. And I wouldn't trade all this for the world!

Without the sleepless nights, I wouldn't have the pleasure of praying for my family & friends at night. Without the pain, I wouldn't be able to sympathize with those who hurt. If my life was not just like it is, pain & all, I wouldn't be at the place in my life where I could give thanks to God for this all & in this all!

Posted with Blogsy

Update

It's been 2weeks since Hubby & I started on our no pasta, no bread & no simple sugars way of eating. I'm surprised, it hasn't been as hard as I imagined. I have more energy & feel less foggy brained.

The first week, I did cardio in the pool at the hotel as we were traveling with Hubby. This past week I have been walking 2-4 miles a day. I'm loving the walking. I just wish it wasn't so hot out. It's been over 100 almost every day for past 2 weeks.

I've lost 10 pounds! My blood pressure has dropped. In fact, we had to back down one of my BP meds as my body likes this exercise so much. I also have less heartburn.

So that's my update. It is hard, but it is so worth it!

Posted with Blogsy

Change!

The last 3 months have been rough. New symptoms have drove me crazy. The ups & downs of being told possible diagnosis only to find out it's not that. Getting a few new minor diagnosis but mainly being told it's just my fibromyalgia. All this has been harder on me than I realized!
I went to see my primary doctor last Friday. Was totally shocked when I got on the scale! I was the heaviest I've ever been in my life! I broke down & cried in front of my doctor. Not because he yelled at me, but because he was so kind. He didn't lecture, he sympathized. He offered help if I want it. So, I've given myself 4 months (when my next appt is) to change my life. If I haven't made drastic improvements, then I'll go to the weight loss center.
On Monday, I changed my diet. Mostly protein & Veggies with a few fruits thrown in. No breads or pastas. No sugars unless in fruit. I've limited my diet drinks & drunk mainly water. I plan to stop the diet drinks soon, but didn't want to totally shock my system. One thing at a time!
On Monday, I also started exercising. It isn't much, just 30 minutes daily of walking or aerobics in the pool at the hotel. We have been traveling with Hubby so the pool was convenient. I feel it was a good way to start. Starting today, I will be doing some WiiFitPlus at home. I want to start walking too, but need to wait till the temperature outside drops as my body can't tolerate the heat.
I've set some goals for myself. I want to lose 15 pounds by August 10th. I also want to be walking atleast 2 miles a day by then. My long term goals are loftier. My total weight loss goal is 125 pounds. My fitness goal is to be walking 4-5 miles per day by spring & ultimately start running again & maybe do a 5k.
I know it will take hard work & strength. I know I will have bad days, but the end goal is worth it. That end goal is to be healthier & be able to do things with my kids & Hubby for years to come.
I've come to the realization that modern medicine will not help me! This is something I have to do for myself. I have to choose whether I am going to give into this fibromyalgia & let it ruin my life or whether I am going to fight! I am choosing to fight! I'm going to fight for myself & for my family! I was healthy once, I can get there again!

This is me 25 years ago! I'm determined to get back to something close to this!

My motivation!

My motivation & my best encourager!

I know this will be a tough fight but I also know it is worth it. It is very hard to post this as now everyone knows my goals & if I fail it will be very embarrassing & more devastating. It's hard to be transparent, but I know it is something I must do. Pray for me as I embark on this life change because I know it is only with God's strength that I will be able to do this!

Posted with Blogsy