I'm gonna be alright!

I've been struggling a lot! Anytime you don't know what is wrong with your body, you struggle. It's always a roller-coaster of emotions.

I went to my regular doctor who confessed to me that he has no idea what is going on with me. He said we will wait to see what the MRI shows & then go from there. It was refreshing to have my doctor admit I have him stumped.

Last week, one of our elders at church preached about giving thanks & praise to God! This week, one of our missionaries, Dave Weston, preached on prayer! We need to become prayer warriors! We need to become impudent people who are so impassioned for Christ that we become people of prayer! Through these 2 sermons, God has laid it on my heart that I need to use this "down" time more effectively. I need to pray more for all those around me.

I was also blessed today after church by 3 wonderful, lovely ladies who came over to me & prayed over me! I didn't feel any different physically, but wow! My mood was lifted & a feeling of peace washed over me! I felt God whispering to me "You're gonna be alright!" I knew at that moment that no matter what the diagnosis, I would be alright! None of this is a surprise to God. My prayer is that whatever the diagnosis, whatever I have to go through, whatever obstacles I have to face, God will carry me through & He will be glorified through me! I pray it will be obvious that I could not get through this current health challenge without God's strength & God's Grace!

 

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Struggling!

Let me start with the more positive stuff. I had my neurologist appointment that my Hubby set up for me after all my bloodwork came back mostly normal. I know nothing new yet, but I'm scheduled for a brain MRI & cervical spine MRI at the end of the month. Hopefully in 2 weeks I'll start getting some answers.

Now to my struggles. I have to say that I'm doing fairly good coping with the physical symptoms of numbness, tingling, pins & needles and burning. The weakness, on the other hand, is causing me some struggles.

Walking slow because I feel unsteady is the worst. I've always been able to walk through my symptoms. Now I'm struggling to walk across a room without something to hang onto. When I do have something to hang onto, I wear out very, very quickly.

From the outside, I look okay. I have put on some more weight (which is part of my struggling), but I don't look sick. It's the hidden things that make it hard. I get overstimulated easily which makes a roomful of people hard, or even just my kids all talking at once. My brain works slower than normal. A simple thing like taking sermon notes becomes almost impossible because my hand can't keep up with my brain which can't keep up with what I'm hearing. I'm finding my spelling skills have deteriorated. My vision is blurry a lot of the time & I sometimes feel off-center.

I'm only 42 (almost 43), but I feel like I'm 80! I hate that my kids are worried about me. I hate that my kids have to fix their own meals many days. I hate that I'm at my highest weight ever (even higher than my full term pregnancy weight)! I hate that i feel ugly because of this & because all my clothes feel tight & small! I hate that my Hubby has to worry so much about me. I hate that my Hubby has to carry much of the load around here when he's home from traveling. I hate that my parents have to come up & help me when I should be helping them! I hate that I don't know how to let my friends help me even though lots of them have offered. I hate that we (my family) can't do a lot of things because I don't feel up to it. I especially hate that I don't know yet what I'm fighting so I don't know HOW to fight it!

So for now, I have a good cry then just try to get through each day until I have answers. I try not to give in, not to play the what-if game, and not to dwell on myself too much! I'm so blessed & have so many who love me. I KNOW God is in control & there is a reason why I am here & going through this. But even though I know this, I still waver. I still put my eyes on myself & my problems. I still struggle! So pray for me! And let me know how I can pray for you.

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The difference support makes!

After church today, I was thinking back 15 years to when I was waiting for another diagnosis. My situation was different in many ways then. We were still childless & I was off work on disability. We also were NOT plugged into a local church. And this was before twitter & Facebook. I had my Hubby & our families, but that was the extent of my support.

Today, waiting for diagnosis is still hard, but I am surrounded with love & support from many sources.

1. I have the most incredible husband! He loves me so much. He's so patient with me when I fall apart. He has picked up so much of the responsibilities here at home when he is home. He sees the tears & hears the fears I'm afraid to voice with anyone else. He is my rock!

2. I have awesome parents & in-laws who are helping with the kids & with whatever we need help with.

3. I have a great church family. I didn't have this 15 yrs ago. I'm overwhelmed by the offers of help. I've had offers for meals, childcare & housework. Now to figure out what help I need & when. I also know we are being covered with their prayers.

4. I have a ton of friends online supporting me. Childhood friends, college friends, family, church family & Internet friends. When I'm struggling, I can make a quick post. Then I'm covered in prayers & receive tons of encouragement.

This 2nd time of new symptoms & diagnosis waiting is still difficult, but the additional support I have is making an incredible difference. I'm having moments of fears & tears, but nothing like the crushing fear & depression I had from fighting this fight with very little support. Don't get me wrong, my Hubby & our families were awesome support back then, but there was only so much they could do.

I think twitter & Facebook have helped too. Being able to post how I'm doing is helping me be open, honest with others. It's hard to admit face to face that you are scared & struggling. But posting online is a little easier for me to share. And I know someone will reply with just the thing I need to hear.

If you are going through something similar, I suggest surrounding yourself with a strong support system! The bigger support team, the better off you will be.

To all of my friends & family, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you for offering to help us! Thank you for your prayers! Thank you for your words of support & encouragement! Thank you for being there! Also thank you to those of you who are supporting my Hubby & the kids. I know health issues affect more than just me, so thank you. I'm so greatful for all of you! Your love and support makes all the difference in the world!!!