I'm not sure why this flare-up has been so hard on me. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. Maybe it's because I've gained even more weight. Maybe it's just because I've had 3 different doctors convinced it was 3 different diagnosis & lab work proved them wrong. Maybe it's the wasted time & money. Maybe it's the overwhelming fatigue. Maybe it's all the well-meaning "advice" on how to get better. Maybe it's hormones on top of everything.
No matter the reason, it has been hard. Part of me feels guilty because I am struggling so much. So many others have it so much worse. Losing loved ones, fighting cancer, losing limbs, fighting illnesses that destroy your body, being told "there's nothing more we can do", etc...
So today I'm fighting:
- The fatigue that threatens to drive me back to bed
- The guilt for struggling so much over this
- The uncertainty of when the next severe symptom will hit
- The fear of what the next new symptom will be
- The urge to give in & not fight
- The tears that seem so close to the surface all the time
- The frustration at having to watch my kids react to my health issues
- The depression that threatens to close in
- The isolation that calls me to retreat & avoid people/places
- The anger over having to deal with this that boils to the surface & threatens to erupt
Why do I not give in? Why do I fight? Because I have hope! I know there is more to life than this. This life of pain/suffering/brokenness is not forever! It is only for a brief moment!
Over 2,000 years ago, a little baby was born in a stable in Bethlehem. But He wasn't just a baby, He was God! He became man so that He could experience every trial, anxiety, fear & suffering that we face. He became man so that He could take MY sins on Himself and suffer and die for me as a sacrifice! As MY sacrifice! Then He rose from the dead! He defeated death!! Because He defeated death, I have life! I need not fear death! Because He is my Savior & Lord, I have eternal life! Once this life is over, I get to spend eternity praising & worshiping my God & Savior! Not only that, but in eternity there will be no more fighting! No more pain! No more anxiety! No more fear! No more anger! No more frustration! I will be whole!
Until then, I will fight the good fight!
12 Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life, to which you were also called and have confessed the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. (I Timothy 4:12)