Friday, January 6, 2012


I've crashed big time. I feel like I've got poison inside me. My muscles ache. My head aches. I feel pain everywhere. The pain makes me nauseous. My brain feels like it's on overload. All I want to do is cry.

I feel like the worst mom in the world as I can barely take care of my kids right now. I'm grumpy & short tempered. I'm an even worse wife. All I can do is cry & complain when my Hubby calls from out of town.

I can't think straight. When in a group, I feel like I'm in a fog and only hearing half of what is going on. I probably appear aloof & stuck up to others but it's just that I'm not processing half of what I see & hear unless it's a one on one conversation in a quiet room.

My muscles feel swollen to me although they don't look it. It feels as if they are swollen & seeping poison into my body. The only relief I get right now is the hot showers I take. The hot water seems to drive the poison out of my body & allows the muscles to relax.

I haven't felt this way in years. And because of that, I haven't dealt with it very well. I'm struggling. I've handled it all wrong. I've pushed way too hard when I shouldn't have. I've been way too lax when I should have been pushing myself. I've been eating all wrong & giving in to junk because it was comforting & easy. And the worst thing I've done is stopped my meds because I freaked out when I realized I've gained back ALL the weight I've worked hard over the last 5 years to lose (over 40 pounds!)!!

So, I've crashed. Now it's time to stop punishing myself. It's time to relax and stop fighting my body. So my goal for next 48 hours is to rest when I need to, sleep when I need to, take as many hot showers as I need to & just let Hubby worry about the kids & house.

I also plan to dig into God's Word. That always seems to help. It amazes me that I always seem to turn to God last. He must sit up there & laugh over me. I'm so stubborn & pigheaded. I'm so like the Israelites in the Wilderness. I KNOW what God has brought me through yet I still turn from Him & grumble all the way.

After I rest & detox, the hard work begins again. Eating healthy, drinking lots of water, handling stress better & exercising/stretching begins. It will be hard, but it's got to be better than this crash...


  1. Lea, I'm right there with you with the health thing. I've been in the same stage of the cycle you're in, except with different symptoms. I am a control freak, and only have one kid, but you are right, you need to put the oxygen mask on yourself first, when it drops during the airplane crash. I don't know much about fibromyalgia (except it seems I'm coming to know more and more people who have it --including Diane Burns, who taught piano to Katy Hazard and Elijah Masquelier, and lives over my way), but I've begun researching diabetes and restless leg, and am coming across information that focuses so much on vitamin therapy I can't believe some of it wouldn't give you some relief as well. You mention you'd given in to the junk food, and I think I'd start there. Let go of the refined stuff, and seek out the leafy greens. Everything I've read about any disorder or disease seems to come around to this at some point -- even dandelion greens. Get new ones (before they've bloomed) from your yard, even, (unless they've been treated with pesticide) and cook them up like spinach. Spinach, kale, collard greens and mustard greens are the ones most often mentioned. I haven't braved the dandelions or mustard greens yet, but the others are surprisingly rich in iron as well as B vitamins, and they can go in anything. That even goes for coriander and parsley. Flo Barbee had a great recipe for white beans and greens soup that was perfect for what sounds like is ailing you. And you can't say you don't cook, 'cause I've seen all those posts about the cookies you're famous for! Start being famous for someting else, woman. I know you have it in you. Rest, get the grouchies out, let the weather settle down, and then start a list. Yes, God sees us all and I'm sure sometimes just can't stop laughing, but I also know He weeps and reaches out to answer our prayers. My prayer for you right now is that you truly find relief, that your kids notice their own role in helping run your household and treat each other with kindness, and that your DH hauls out the tough hide and takes it all in stride. Blessings, and hope to see you feeling better soon. Love, Laura

  2. Laura,
    Thank you!! Just the words I needed to hear. We are going grocery shopping tonight & I plan on getting lots of greens!

    I know you are walking a tough road too now w/your health. Praying for you! Thanks for the tough love that I needed today!!


  3. Our disorders are different, but I know what you mean about the poison seeping into your body. I feel that way sometimes, when on the inside my legs feel like they're on fire, but on the outside they look perfectly normal. My brain is always foggy...I forget everything and have a difficult time processing information at times. I am short with my kids, and they don't understand why. I have given up eating out (for the most part) and I work out on a regular basis. I still deal with a lot of pain, but I have tried really hard to not complain to Josh about it, because it doesn't help my situation, and he just doesn't understand it even if I try to make him uderstand. It's hard to eat healthy because fast food is easier when you don't have the energy to cook for the kids, etc...but I encourage you to try to eat as much "whole" foods as possible, I've heard that is very beneficial. I hope you start feeling better soon.

  4. Sarah,
    Thanks for your comments. Even though our disorders are different, it helps knowing I'm not the only one who struggles! Praying for you!!