The big "D" word!

Fall has almost skipped us here in Indiana. We went from 80+ degree days to days in the 30s & 40s. Except for a mild day every once in awhile. What I wasn't ready for was the sudden onslaught of "winter symptoms". You know, the increased aches & the depression. Add to that hormone issues & you get a big mess.

You'd think after a lifetime of this, I would be prepared. I wasn't. And my family, especially Hubby, paid the price. What price is that? A grumpy, sad, tired, sick me. When I'm down, so is my whole family. The worst part is that I can see myself in this rut, but I can't get out.

I'm doing better the past few days. My Hubby prayed over me & my hormones have stabilized. We also had a few gorgeous days with lots of sunshine. I was able to walk some over the weekend. But I can see it's going to be a tough winter.

It may be time to get an anti-depressant. As most of you know, Fibromyalgia suffers already have low serotonin. Add Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to it & my serotonin levels bottom out when the sunlight hours get short.

I truly hate medication, but there are times when I need it. My mind tells me I am being weak, but my heart is telling me that I need to do this for myself & my family. It's hard to admit you are depressed & need meds. People (including myself) judge you for taking anti-depressants & for being depressed.

I know that I am truly blessed. I have everything in the world to be joyful for. I am grateful. But I also know my joy is not based on my circumstances or health. You can be joyful but still be depressed. So I must seek help from my doctor.

Yes, I'm blogging to convince myself what I need to do. And just maybe, my struggle will help someone else in the same situation.

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Painful Praises

Out of nowhere the pain slams me

Once again I'm at its mercy

It hurts to breathe

Darkness beckons

I pause to whisper His name

 

The pain remains but peace floods me

His grace overwhelms me

I can breathe

The darkness flees

All at the mention of His name

 

This scene repeats itself often in my life

I used to beg God to take it

The overwhelming pain

The depression that threatens

The thorn in my flesh so painful

 

But God changed my point of view

I don't see this as a negative

Instead it's a blessing

A chance to praise Him

For He carries me through it all

 

My pain shows me my need of Jesus

I can't survive this life alone

I need His mercy

I need His grace

I need His overwhelming love and care

 

If not for my pain and struggles in life

I'd believe I could do life myself

No need for a Savior

No need for Jesus

Just pushing through life on my own

 

So I humbly pour my praise out to God

And thank Him for my thorns

They show me my need

They show me my hopelessness

They show me how lost I am without Him

 

Rescued by Jesus who suffered for me at Calvary

He died for my sins & yours

He was buried

He rose again

He gave His life so I may be free

 

How can I complain about any pain I face

When my heart is bursting with thanksgiving

Overflowing with gratitude

Humbled and in awe

Of all my Jesus has done for me

 

So I offer my life, my pain, my suffering to Him

A sacrifice of praise lifted

To the Savior of my soul

To the Giver of life

Praise & Honor & Glory forever.

 

 

 

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Gratefulness!

I've been reading Nancy Leigh DeMoss's book "Choosing Gratitude". In it, she states that we need to have gratitude in all things, even bad things.

I truly can say that I am thankful for all my health issues. No, I don't like them. I don't like pain. I don't like numbness & restless legs. I don't like sleepless nights. BUT I am thankful for them.

Through the pain, agony & tears, I have seen my God provide my every need. He has been my comfort on sleepless nights. He has been faithful to never leave me alone. Even when He didn't ease the pain, God gave me peace of mind to rest in Him.

One of the greatest gifts that God has given me through this painful journey has been the privilege of sharing with others what an Awesome God I serve! My Creator made me. He loves me & died for me, a nobody. I don't deserve to be saved, yet He did save me. He walks with me throughout this life.

Though I walk through difficult times that I don't understand, I know that God is there. I know He has a reason for this all. I know that even though I don't know why, He does & it's all for good. And I wouldn't trade all this for the world!

Without the sleepless nights, I wouldn't have the pleasure of praying for my family & friends at night. Without the pain, I wouldn't be able to sympathize with those who hurt. If my life was not just like it is, pain & all, I wouldn't be at the place in my life where I could give thanks to God for this all & in this all!

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Fibromyalgia Setbacks!

Life with fibromyalgia can be so frustrating at times. I'll be doing really good. Walking 4-5 days a week, having low pain levels & losing 15 pounds. Then it all grinds to a halt. My weight loss stalls, daily headaches kick in as well as fatigue & achiness. It's frustrating because it hits out of nowhere.

To top it off, I've been dealing with my heart trying to race. This is something I've not had to deal with for 18 years. In 1994, I had a RFablation to kill a short circuit pathway in my heart (Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome). I've been trying to tell myself that I'm imagining it, but it's not working. Looks like I'll be heading to doctor again soon.

Sometimes it feels like my body hates me. I think my body parts get together to see how they can throw me for a loop today! Hey, let me pop a fever for no reason. Hey, how about a headache, we haven't had one of those for awhile. Hey, how about a pain here or there for no apparent reason.

It sure makes it harder to get healthy. I mean, it's hard for anyone to get healthy, but when you have fibromyalgia, your body fights it. You can't push your body really hard or it breaks. And then sometimes it breaks when you are not doing anything. Now I have to fight mentally. I can't let a setback by my body undermine all the good I've done so far. I have to convince myself that just because my body isn't showing the results of my discipline doesn't mean what I'm doing is worthless. I have to convince myself to keep going, to keep eating healthy & to keep walking. I have to convince my mind that this is not hopeless, it's just a small setback. I have to fight with my mind, my body & all the strength I can muster...

 

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Update

It's been 2weeks since Hubby & I started on our no pasta, no bread & no simple sugars way of eating. I'm surprised, it hasn't been as hard as I imagined. I have more energy & feel less foggy brained.

The first week, I did cardio in the pool at the hotel as we were traveling with Hubby. This past week I have been walking 2-4 miles a day. I'm loving the walking. I just wish it wasn't so hot out. It's been over 100 almost every day for past 2 weeks.

I've lost 10 pounds! My blood pressure has dropped. In fact, we had to back down one of my BP meds as my body likes this exercise so much. I also have less heartburn.

So that's my update. It is hard, but it is so worth it!

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Change!

The last 3 months have been rough. New symptoms have drove me crazy. The ups & downs of being told possible diagnosis only to find out it's not that. Getting a few new minor diagnosis but mainly being told it's just my fibromyalgia. All this has been harder on me than I realized!
I went to see my primary doctor last Friday. Was totally shocked when I got on the scale! I was the heaviest I've ever been in my life! I broke down & cried in front of my doctor. Not because he yelled at me, but because he was so kind. He didn't lecture, he sympathized. He offered help if I want it. So, I've given myself 4 months (when my next appt is) to change my life. If I haven't made drastic improvements, then I'll go to the weight loss center.
On Monday, I changed my diet. Mostly protein & Veggies with a few fruits thrown in. No breads or pastas. No sugars unless in fruit. I've limited my diet drinks & drunk mainly water. I plan to stop the diet drinks soon, but didn't want to totally shock my system. One thing at a time!
On Monday, I also started exercising. It isn't much, just 30 minutes daily of walking or aerobics in the pool at the hotel. We have been traveling with Hubby so the pool was convenient. I feel it was a good way to start. Starting today, I will be doing some WiiFitPlus at home. I want to start walking too, but need to wait till the temperature outside drops as my body can't tolerate the heat.
I've set some goals for myself. I want to lose 15 pounds by August 10th. I also want to be walking atleast 2 miles a day by then. My long term goals are loftier. My total weight loss goal is 125 pounds. My fitness goal is to be walking 4-5 miles per day by spring & ultimately start running again & maybe do a 5k.
I know it will take hard work & strength. I know I will have bad days, but the end goal is worth it. That end goal is to be healthier & be able to do things with my kids & Hubby for years to come.
I've come to the realization that modern medicine will not help me! This is something I have to do for myself. I have to choose whether I am going to give into this fibromyalgia & let it ruin my life or whether I am going to fight! I am choosing to fight! I'm going to fight for myself & for my family! I was healthy once, I can get there again!

This is me 25 years ago! I'm determined to get back to something close to this!

My motivation!

My motivation & my best encourager!

I know this will be a tough fight but I also know it is worth it. It is very hard to post this as now everyone knows my goals & if I fail it will be very embarrassing & more devastating. It's hard to be transparent, but I know it is something I must do. Pray for me as I embark on this life change because I know it is only with God's strength that I will be able to do this!

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I'm tired!

I hate being tired. This kind of tired is not your normal "I've had a busy day & I'm worn out" kind of tired. This is the "I'm feeling fine & then bam! I'm so tired I can't think" tired. It's the kind of tired I got in college when I'd been up for 48 hrs cramming for exams. Only I haven't been up that long & I was totally fine 2 minutes ago.

This kind of tired can happen at any moment. I was at Home Depot the other day when it hit. I couldn't remember my PIN number for my debit card. It hit in Meijer Saturday & I couldn't remember what I needed to get. It tends to hit toward late afternoon so I try to take it easy at that time of day. It's a little scary & I'm afraid one of these days it will hit at a totally bad time. I just keep praying & trusting God will keep us safe.

A side-effect of this tiredness is that I'm very cranky. It's very disorienting & it seems that noise makes it worse. And my kids are noisy. Unfortunately, they often get grumped at. I try not to...

So if I'm talking to you & seem to space out, I'm sorry. I don't mean to. I don't know why this is going on & every test i have done comes out normal. I'm working on coping strategies, but until I get used to this & get better at living with, I'm sorry!