Thursday, October 9, 2014

Frustrations & fears

Today is the day I start my new medication, Savella. I'm nervous about taking it even though I feel this is the right step for now. I'm nervous because I never know how my body will react. Lyrica didn't help & caused me to gain weight. Other meds have caused weight gain or mood swings. Some work for a few months then stop working. My doctor has high hopes for this med so I'm ready to try it. He even thinks it will help with all the weird symptoms I'm having.

Speaking of weird symptoms, I'm feeling so frustrated over them. When listing symptoms for my doctors, I get a long list of possible diagnosis. But when they run the tests (MRIs, blood work, etc) for those diagnosis, everything comes back normal! I mean, I'm glad the tests are normal as some of these diseases are nasty, horrible things. But it's so frustrating to have symptoms with no cause except "I guess it's just your fibromyalgia!"

My other frustration is my weight. For some reason, my body is determined to hold on to this weight. I've tried every eating plan imaginable (for 6 months or more each). I've eliminated carbonation & artificial sweeteners. I've done the low calorie thing, the Paleo thing, the whole foods thing, no gluten, no dairy, etc... It does NOT work. I still feel horrible & I still weigh more than I should. I try to walk but then end up down for 2-3 days in pain. It's so hard to be this way! I'm a doer. I like to help & do. But I can't! Ugh!!

I know God has a plan! I know God has a reason for me going through this. I sometimes wish I had a peek into God's plan. But I don't. I just have to trust in His plan. I just have to keep living life & seeking Him. I also need to keep my eyes on Him & not myself. When I do start getting fearful & frustrated, I know it's because I'm focusing on the wrong things!

I sat down to write this blog post because I was getting overwhelmed, sad & mad after reading Facebook. So many people are doing this plan or that plan for eating/exercise and having great results. I'm happy for them. I love seeing my friends get healthy. But I get sad for me. I get sad for my Hubby & kids then I get mad. But then I realize that God has us in this particular life! He knows the beginning & the end! He knows my frustrations. He knows our trials. He WILL use this for good! Who knows, maybe This is a training ground for my kids. Maybe one of the will be a doctor or a nurse or therapist... I do know they are learning compassion for those who have an invisible illness.

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